The Gift of Gratefulness

Over the last couple of weeks I've mentioned several times about wanting to post a blog about gratefulness or about all the things that I feel blessed with. Today is the day.
It's hard to know where to begin, I have so many things that I feel blessed with and grateful for. One thing that does keep coming to mind are all the friends that God has brought into my life in the last year. I've gone from being non-existant to having a life. I have 7-10 friends now that at this point last year I didn't even know at all. Other acquaintances have become closer friends. I feel truly blessed with all the people that God has brought into my life: roommates, coffee and prayer buddies, small group friends and just friends--people that I can hang out with and be myself and laugh with and experience life together. All of these people encourage me and challenge me to keep growing and they are teaching me that I am a lovable person, just the way I am. They keep me from focusing to much on myself and remind me of the vast adventure that life can be.
I'm also so grateful for this wonderful apartment. It has really become a homey place. This summer, with the help of friends we were able to get a boiler installed so that we can have hot water in the bathroom. Then later the landlord agreed to rewallpapering the hallway. Little things, but they make such a big difference.
One of the things that is closely connected for me to my enjoying my apartment is the heat and hot water situation. In the other two years the hot water has been turned off in August and not turned on until the end of October when they also turned the heat on (normally they turn the heat on in the middle of Oct. in other places in Ukraine, by the end of the month it is pretty miserable without heat). This year, they turned on the hot water in September and the heat in the middle of October!
I normally think of these things as small inconveniences, just part of life here in Ukraine; something to be born with a grin and you just do the best you can. Until this year when things were different I had not realized how much it affects me physically to be always struggling against the cold. The extra warmth and warm water have made life so much less painful, literally. I've struggled with pain and stiffness in my joints from the cold for years. It makes just getting out of bed a process as I just can't move quickly. The cold really slows me down. It also exhausts me, as my body struggles to do everything that is required of it with the additional pain and while fighting the cold. But this year having the heat on earlier and having hot water have made a huge difference! AND, a friend recommended a new supplement, which I have been taking for a couple of weeks, and it has done wonders for my cold tolerance. I was already wearing gloves at the beginning of the month because I couldn't bear to let my hands get cold because it was so painful. Now the last couple of weeks I haven't even kept my gloves in my pockets because I am having so little pain in my hands. I am often not even aware that my hands are cold! I didn't even know that was possible. I am so grateful.
Another thing that was highlighted for me recently was how much improved my health is, esp. my back. People have prayed for me for six years for my back pain and now I am at a place where I am almost completely healed. Actually, I would say I am completely healed, it is just there is residual weakness which sometimes still leads to pain in my back and legs. But this was highlighted for me a couple of weeks ago when I pinched a nerve in my upper back. I could hardly carry my purse without breaking into a sweat from the pain (not exaggerating). That Sunday, as I was laying on the couch, trying not to move, I began to think about how I used to be just in a constant fog of pain. Just thinking was so difficult. I would read something and reread it and reread it, and often still struggled to grasp what I was reading or to focus or concentrate. The pain was constant and made any position uncomfortable after a few minutes. I would shift around like a five-year-old trying to find a bearable position. I would wake up many times during the night to gingerly change position without hurting myself. My legs hurt so badly that sometimes I just couldn't find any position that was pain free. And, of course, the pain took its toll on my body, leaving me physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually exhausted. Often I couldn't even read my Bible because it was too taxing to try to make sense of what was written and piecing together more than the simplest of prayers was equally as difficult. Now, here I am, sitting awkwardly on the couch, laptop balanced on my leg not even thinking of when I can next lay down to relieve some of the pain. Am I completely pain free, no. I still have back pain off and on, my fingers and hips hurt from the weather changes and I get migraines at the most inconvenient times for no reason that I can pinpoint. Am I grateful, yes. Without hesitation and without doubt, Yes!
That pinched nerve two weeks ago was a beautiful reminder of how far I have come, how much God has healed my body. Even just a year ago I was spending tons of time laying down from chronic fatigue from pain and other causes. Now I rarely spend more than an hour or two laying down extra! I have less pain. I have a clear mind. I can think logically again. I am becoming myself again. The pain and illness had so worn me out that I became a personality-less person, but I am blooming again. I can read my Bible without struggling to get through even a few verses!
Another thing that my roommate and I were talking about today is that I am at peace again. This summer I was struggling so much with anxiety and now that has dissipated. God has just taken care of that and found ways to teach me to again rest in Him and lean my head on His shoulder. It still pops up occasionally, but in these last two weeks of storms, when I should have been struggling with anxiety more than ever, I was not. And I was aware of it. I was aware of the curious peace that God had given me. And I felt blessed.

I think one of the good things that God has brought in my life from all of the illness, pain and other struggles that I have had is that I am now able to see His blessings and His work more clearly; it is the gift of gratefulness. A long time ago, when I was in a dungeon of black pain and struggle I noticed that in Psalms it often talks about giving God praise in the "assembly" and not sealing our lips before the "assembly" about the great things God has done. I knew then that I wanted to do that. Somehow, I want to tell others about the great and wonderful things God has done for me. This blog is one little way of doing that. One little way of making His name great. I want everyone to know these good things and praise Him for them!

Untitled

I want so much to express all these thoughts and feelings that are whirling through my brain right now, but I don't really know where to start.
I've been wanting to make a post about the many things that I am grateful for, the many blessings that God has brought into my life, but then last week happened and I needed to write about other things. But as I walked through that week and this and life has continued to swirl around me, I have been thinking that while there are many struggles and sadnesses, that does not change the gratefulness that overwhelms my heart. Sometimes I don't have time to feel it right now, but it is still very much there.
Tonight I had prayer with a group of a missionary ladies. We try to get together once a month to just pray in English together as that allows us a freedom both in our expression and in our words that we can not have when we pray in other languages or with people who are too closely related to our ministries. We each took a time to share about the things that have been happening in our lives over the past week or so. It's been a rough time for all of us it seems. But yet, there was peace there. The peace of the One who slept in the boat while the storm raged around Him.
I took my turn to share and was myself surprised at how much was going on in my little mind. First, of course, Kostia and his children are on my mind and heart. Then there are financial issues at the office and our book that we've been working so hard to finish by today has been delayed for a week or two. I'm leaving to go to Ohio early next week for a month, so that project will not be completed before I leave. Dad is leaving for Russia tonight and our bookkeeper is joining him on the road tomorrow (and she's not feeling well right now); there was an upset in dad's plans today that have caused extra work for him. Our mission board meets on Thursday and has some important decisions to make. I'm preparing to go to the States for a month so need to leave the office in good order and prepare myself for that time. I'm also doing a "course" (usually 10-14 days) of deep tissue massage for my back and legs to relieve some of the pain there--and it really is very helpful, although painful to go through and time consuming, taking 3-4 hours every day what with commute and all. A friend is experiencing a spiritual battle. Two others are out of work and struggling to find what God wants them to do right now. Others are struggling with their marriages. And the list goes on...
Yet, in the midst of all these whirling winds, there is peace in my heart. There is that quiet, secure knowledge that God has His hand in the small of my back and is leading and guiding and protecting and caring and that I just need to trust Him--not just for myself, but for each of these others. It is always easier for me to trust God for myself than for another. I always want to fix and help and do. I am a Martha when it comes to others. Perhaps a little of Mary in my own life, but so much a Martha when I see other people hurting and struggling. But I am not the Healer. He is. And in recognizing that I find peace in my heart for myself and for all those that I care about.
God is good.

Funeral and Forward

Tomorrow is Marina's funeral. It will be in Vinnitsa which is a four or five hour drive from here. Kostia is taking her there today for the vigil. The rest of us will follow tomorrow, leaving early to be there at noon for the service. There are others who are coming from beyond Moscow as well.

I don't know what Kostia's plans are for immediately after the funeral. I do know that there will be lots of advice given and pressure about what to do with the children. Pray for an extra measure of wisdom for him. I am already exhausted emotionally and physically and my part is very small--I can not imagine how he must be feeling. His health is not good; he suffers from migraines and insomnia already. Pray for God's grace and strength on him during this time and in the future. Next week this will be old news. Right now everyone is overwhelming him with offers to help. By Sunday people will already be forgetting.

Kostia and Marina and Helga and Mattias

Some pictures from this summer. At mum and dad's anniversary and renewal of the vows Kostia and Marina also renewed their vows.

Moment to Moment

A week ago, I was posting that it is okay to be sad.
Sunday I was having a rough day which God just turned around through His own means and by Sunday evening I was thinking of writing a blog on gratefulness. Just a little tribute to all that God has given me. My heart was overflowing with gratefulness to Him.
Monday morning I woke up to a phone call from Kostia saying that his wife, Marina, had been rushed to the hospital unconcious. We waited in an agony of prayer all day yesterday for some news. For some healing. We wept.
Today before I left home Kostia called, saying that Marina was worse. At about noon I received a phone call from my dad, who was with Kostia at the hospital, saying that Marina had gone on to be with God ahead of us.
Somehow I feel like life should stop for a moment. There are four aching hearts out there. A mother who has lost her only child. A husband who has lost his beloved wife. And two little children who understand, but don't really understand and who will be looking for their mum for a long time yet.
I'm reeling. I cannot imagine what Kostia must be feeling. Pray for him. Pray for Marina's mum, whose name I don't even know. And for Helga and Mattias.

Kostia and Marina are not from Rivne. They are from Vinnitsa and the funeral will be held there. Probably within the next few days as these things are arranged here very quickly.
I want to ask for prayer for myself, my parents, our office, but I can't because I would much rather that you prayed for those four who are hurting most.

URGENT FOR PRAYER!!!

Please pray for Kostia, the translator at our office. His wife Marina is in the hospital right now. He called me about an hour ago to tell me he was rushing her to the hospital because she was unconscious. Then he called again to say that the doctors said it might be a stroke and that she could die at any minute.
I have no more information than that, except that this started a couple of weeks ago when she passed out for the first time. They thought she had herniated a disk in her neck, and she has been in terrible pain since. It seems that it is more serious than that.
They have two kids.

Miracles DO Happen!!!

Our heat was turned on yesterday!!!
Being a Doubting Thomas, I didn't want to post about it yesterday because I didn't believe that it would stay on (actually, I barely believed that it was on at all). But it is on! AND they turned the hot water back on (they turned it off in the beginning of October).
The reason this is a shock to me is that the last two years they haven't turned the heat on until the end of October, usually between the 29th and 31st (as visible on my blog from those times). I totally mentally adjusted this year, so I wasn't even hoping for the heat to be turned on earlier--it helps that September was so warm this year, we only started using the space heaters a couple of weeks ago. We also got a boiler for our bathroom this summer, thanks to Greg's efforts (he suggested it and went and found it and sent the guys to put it up--you know, Julie and I just paid for it) :), which has made the cold so much more bearable this year. It's been a blessing not to have to heat water for showers and just to have hot water to wash our hands in (and sometimes I just sneak in there and run warm water over my hands when I get cold).
The heat isn't on full yet, we're still using the space heaters a little, but the overall effect is still very much felt throughout the apartment. I feel blessed.

The Spin Cycle

The last two weeks have left me reeling. I feel like I've been in the spin cycle. I'm not sure what hit me.
Yet, while reeling I may be, it is not all bad. Sometimes God just swoops into our narrow little world and whoooshes through and we're left in the middle spinning around in circles like some cartoon character (although, in reality, He doesn't actually leave us, of course).
Less than a week ago I finalized my plans for going to the States and bought my ticket to be there for a month. I had been thinking about it for a while, but was still praying about the dates, and it all got settled rather quickly, so that I am traveling in less than a month--a couple of weeks actually! That alone is enough to leave my head in a whirl with trying to make all the arrangements for a place to stay, car and someone to pick me up at the airport (figured out the first two, still working on the third--any volunteers? Melissa? :D ). Of course, it also means that I need to prepare work for the office to do while I am gone. I'd hate for everyone to fall apart while I'm away. :)
Mum and Dad also arrived last Wednesday; they are always a whirlwind in my life. Okay, to be fair, Dad is a whirlwind, Mum does her level best to pass out some sanity as they pass through. Dad is in a conference today. That means tons of prep work for the office earlier this week. And he is heading out to Russia, Lord willing, later this month, which means we have lots of prep work for that too. Just catching up to my parents about takes it out of me! There is something backwards about that, I'm sure of it--unfortunately, my head is still spinning...
Either of the above things would upset the normal rhythm of my life in good ways, not bad. I'm getting excited about going to the States, although it is still surreal. And I am SO thankful to have my parents back "home", however briefly. It does take a lot of weight off of me to not have to deal with leading devotions everyday, or answering financial questions (which I can't really answer anyway, but sometimes just have to), or even just being able to talk over some of the decisions and planning that need to be done for the next year. Good things.

Today, as I was thinking over the last couple of weeks and all that has gone on (and those two listed above are only two of the things, there's lots of other things hitting me in different areas of my life), I was thinking how easy it is to see the mayhem, but not see the Master. He is still the Master. He is still in charge. I'm not. I don't like life to be out of control. It is hard for me not to step in and just "take over" at times. It makes me stressed. And then, one day, I look up and remember who is in charge and that I don't need to worry about it all because, well, because God has managed my life pretty good so far. I don't know how all the details are going to work out. And I'm ok with that...as long as I keep my eyes on Him. The minute I move them...
There are a lot of changes in my life right now, some of them are hard, some of them are good, some make me sad, others make me smile. But He is God of all those things. The challenges are opportunities to trust Him and develop faith and reliance on Him. The blessings are opportunities to praise Him for His great, all-encompassing care for me. Me. It is incredible that the God of Revelation who is worthy of all glory and honor and power and praise has His arms protectively around me.
He is amazing. And I am blessed.

Wayfaring Stranger

One of my all-time favorite songs is "Wayfaring Stranger". I've loved it since I was a kid. It is haunting and the words are thoughtful. Always a good reminder of the transiency of this life. One of my preferred versions goes like this:

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
While journeying through this world of woe;
And there's no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright land to which I go.

I'm going there to see my Father,
I'm going there no more to roam;
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home.

I know dark clouds will gather ‘round me,
I know my way is rough and steep;
And beautiful fields lie just before me,
Where God's redeemed their vigils keep.

I'm going there to see my Father,
I'm going there no more to roam;
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home.

I'm going there to see my Saviour,
I'm going there no more to roam;
I'm only going over Jordan,
I'm only going over home.

I want to wear that crown of glory,
When I get home to that good land;
Well I want to shout salvation's story,
In concert with the blood-washed band,

I'm going there to see my Saviour,
I'm going there no more to roam;
I'm just agoing over Jordan,
I'm just agoing over home.


I think part of it is the music and part of it is the words for me.
I can identify with the author. People ask me where I am from and I don't know how to respond. I've lived in five or six different countries and within those countries my time has been divided between various cities and places.
Right now, I'm planning a trip back to Ohio. I've claimed Ohio as my home for years. My grandparents live there and it is the one place we always went back to. By the time they sold their house and moved into a retirement community my sister was living nearby so I would stay with her and the feeling of "home--as a place to come back to" continued. My sister moved away last year. As I was planning this trip, I realized that this was going to be a bittersweet trip. I know I won't be back there many times. It'll be lovely to see my grandparents again. But it's time to say goodbye to those childhood memories and wander on.
This life that I lead has many blessings. But the sacrifices sometimes come to the surface too.
Today I am sad. And that is okay.
My hope and my home are not in this world. When I am struggling to find a foothold here, I remember that this life is but a journey and real life is yet to come.

Can't Sit still

Well, after coming back from Turkey and Kyiv and deciding that I didn't want to travel anywhere ever again (just because I am a homebody, not for any other reason), I've planned a trip to the States for all of November. Yep! I'm flying out of Kyiv on Nov. 3 and out of Ohio on Dec. 3.
I feel all turned upside down! I've been thinking about this trip for about six months, but had no definite plans until this month, so it all feels like it has come together rather quickly. Sadly, despite being a homebody, travel is in my veins so it feels kind of good to be planning another trip. The homebody part of me is still trying to pretend that I am not going anywhere in less than a month, but I'm sure it'll adjust sooner or later.
I'm actually going to visit my grandparents primarily as it is my Grampa's 90th birthday in November. I'm also planning a few church visits while I am in the vicinity. But I should have plenty of spare time and would love to get together with any of you in the Ohio/Pennsylvania area!
There are a lot of blessings in this trip. I'll be able to stay in the mission house that the Evangelical Friends keep and I'll be able to use my parent's car (I know, I'm 30 and I'm still asking to borrow the car--no, I have no plans to grow up in the immediate future :D ). I'll also be able to see my oldest sister and her husband at some point (they live in Virginia now--don't worry, I can't keep track of my family either, only figured out where they live a year after they had moved). I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be there for Grampa's 90th and also for Gramma's birthday, as well as Thanksgiving!
Yes, this trip will take me away from the office and I do need prayer for that as I need to plan and organize their work and prepare them for my absence. And for myself as I prepare and travel and am away from home and my normal routines that God would protect my health and help me to be wise--that was the reason I decided on a month-long stay. I just didn't want to push myself too hard and end up collapsing half way or as soon as I got back.
I feel a little overwhelmed with everything at the moment. But not in a bad way. In a very content and blessed way. There is lots to do to get ready and even more so since dad is here and has additional projects for the office and other ministry involvements. But I am blessed to have a chance to honor my grandparents who have sacrificed so much and given so much to our family over the years. We are truly blessed to have them and I want to show in some little way that they are cherished even if we can't be with them all the time. That's makes all the effort and any possible discomforts or challenges related with this trip a joy!

Kostia and Marina

I saw Kostia at the office this morning (unusual because he suffers terrible headaches and insomnia so, often, doesn't make it in until after noon). His wife has done something to her neck and is in terrible pain and can hardly move. This happened on Friday or Saturday.
He is trying to take care of her, their two kids, and do his work. We are coming up to a busy few weeks when he will need to be available in the office. He is also trying to take Marina to doctors or therapists to help her out.
Please pray for them in all of this and esp. that they would find a good place to take Marina. Someone who will actually be able to help her. Pray for extra strength for Kostia as he is feeling quite low physically himself, and only getting a few hours of sleep every night on top of that.

On the Road Again

I'm heading out to Kyiv today to drop my documents off for registration, then I'll be spending some time with my soon to be sister-in-law, Anya, and then at Priscilla's for a couple of days. I'm looking forward to the break and change of pace.
Please pray for safety on the road and that I'll feel well. I've been sick for two weeks with a cold and headaches and now that I'm getting over those I feel like I'm coming down with the flu this morning.
On the other hand, a praise is that I finally got a good nights sleep last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. And despite being sick I have managed to keep up with a fair amount of my office work which is a huge praise!
God has really just been reminding me that He doesn't need me to be "whole" to use me. He just needs me to be available.