I think I am full of happy hormones.
Truly.
I blame being pregnant. And I’m happy about that. Just like
I’m happy about just about everything else. I’m happy about getting to do a
couple of craft fairs and sell my baked goods at them. I’m happy to get to make
Thanksgiving dinner. I’m happy to get up at 2:30am to see my hard-working
husband off to work. I’m happy to get up once or twice a night to pee. I’m just
happy!
I do think some of it is pregnancy related. But I think that
some of it is also contentment related. Not everything is wonderful and nice (I
still don’t love dusting or cleaning the toilet, but I am happier when I am
done!), but I do have so much to be thankful for.
I feel blessed. Not that I wasn’t blessed a year ago or two
years ago or ten years ago. And not that I wasn’t aware of that then. That’s
why I’m blaming the pregnancy hormones. Of course, it could have something to
do with being newly married too. I don’t know.
I am very thankful for the life I have lived. I can’t say
that my twenties were the easiest period of my life, but they were certainly
valuable and I wouldn’t be who I am now without them. And I wouldn’t appreciate
what I have now in the same way without having had to wait for it as long as I
did.
Watching your friends get married out of college and start
their families while you wait for God’s timing in your own life is not easy.
Particularly when a family is all you’ve ever really wanted. I didn’t grow up
thinking I would be a “career woman”. Sure, I thought about becoming a nurse or
doctor. But it was always this vague thing that was primarily altruistic. It
was about ministry, not earning a living and supporting myself as a single
woman. I don’t think I ever expected to have to support myself in that way and
it was not easy for me. But I did my best to follow God’s leading and be
content where He had me. And there were a lot of tears involved in that as I
worked to submit to Him and trust that He truly did know what He was doing and
that His plan for my life was good. Between chronic fatigue, herniated disks
and a job that I was good at but eventually burned me out, it wasn’t always
easy to find the silver linings.
Now, in contrast, I feel like my life is full of silver
linings. Part of me feels like crossing my fingers because I don’t know how
long this euphoria will last. The other part of me just smiles and says, “Trust
God, He’s carried you through in the past and He’ll take care of you whatever
the future holds. Just relax and enjoy what He has given you for now. Tomorrow
has enough worries of its own.” And so I do, I let it go and focus on what I
have right now. Not what I hope for tomorrow, or wish for yesterday. Just
thankful for the wonderful life God has given me. And for a wonderful God who
cares about me so personally that He is willing to fulfill the dreams of a
little girl in ways beyond her imagining.
And I’m happy.
Just a little while after I wrote this Ken called to say that he had been laid off. It definitely threw me for a loop, but with a little time and prayer we both realized that it is for the best at the moment. We are working on getting our own truck going, hopefully in the beginning of December. The extra time will allow Ken to do some work on the truck that really needs done. It did certainly make me think about whether my happiness was a surface thing or from deep wells within.
I am still happy.
