There's so many things I want to say about Mother's Day!
I have funny stories to tell, like about my little man managing to get both legs stuck in one hole of a grocery cart seat all the way up to his hips! Or how he has a perverse fascination with the dog food and often has a piece rolling around in his mouth (GROSS!!!) or like today shared some with mama's clean laundry so that as I took out and folded each piece I was shaking dog food all over the place.
I have happiness to share in being a mom. It's a privilege and a blessing and nothing that I could ever earn. There is something so sweet in having a little person crawl in bed with you at 3am and immediately zonk out with their feet propped on your hips and your arm going to sleep under their head. And it is amazing to go in and pick a crying baby up out of his crib and have him settle as long as you are holding him. There is much happiness in mothering for me.
And I have the not so idyllic side too. At the moment we are in the throes of a spell of the "terrible twos". It is not charming to have your child lay down on the floor and throw a fit. Or whine to get their way about something until the whining makes you want to pull your hair out and possibly theirs too. Generally, it is the dog though that pays the price. Poor dog.
And then there is the painful part. All the years that I waited to be a mom are forever a part of me. Sitting on the sidelines while other loved ones had their turn. Wondering when and if it would ever be mine. Reaching that point where I didn't believe it would come to me. Trying to find contentment in "mothering/mentoring" other people and other people's kids. Sometimes being rejected from other families because I was a threat to the mom.
Even now I feel the pain of the waiting. It makes each moment with my children almost desperately precious. I am afraid to lose even one part of our time together because I know both how quickly it will pass and how truly precious it is. Even as I delight in my motherhood my heart is aching for my friends who have yet to experience it. I know so many women in so many different situations: single women waiting for God to bring their spouse to them to build a family with; married women waiting for the "right time" or just waiting, hoping desperately for God to bring them a child biologically or through adoption; single moms struggling because this isn't how they thought it would be; women who have lost a child through miscarriage or other horrors. My heart becomes sick with the grief of these women.
I am a mother. I love being a mother. But part of what enables me to take joy in even the less pleasant moments of motherhood is that I know the pain of not being a mother too.
I'm not sure that I can honestly say I am thankful for the pain--even now my eyes fill with tears thinking about the empty ache that my heart held for so long and about the ache that I know is in so many women's hearts. The pain is not far away and I can only bear to pull it out and look at it briefly, and in general I try not to look at it too much. It is still too raw.
There are many things about God that I do not understand. I don't pretend to understand why God allows for a pregnancy to arise out of rape or in a woman who has no desire for a child. Nor do I understand why He withholds that from those whose hearts long so deeply for that little one. I could offer many philosophical words about how God uses things to strengthen our faith or deepen our relationship with Him. And many of those things would be true, but none of them explain His processes of selection. All I can really offer you are a few pitiful words.
For those of you who are grieving the absence of children in your life: I am sorry and I grieve with you. I wish that I could share mine with you. I would delight to see you lavish your love on my little ones. For those of you who have children: don't take them for granted, especially if they were given you at a young age--children are not a right nor are they something to take for granted that "everyone can have". Share your children with others who need a little ray of sunshine. Don't be jealous of their relationships with your children; be thankful for how they are enriching your child's life.
Every child can use a little extra love and every child has more love to give than one mother can possibly absorb. Share what you have.
