Arrived...last week

So, yes, I did arrive safe and sound onto American soil.
It was not the best trip I've ever had mostly because I got hit with some stomach thing on my first flight which seems to have hung on until now. Finally went out and got some medicine for it today as I would like to enjoy the rest of this week, not spend it laying on the couch or the floor moaning and whining to anyone who comes in contact with me. :D Also picked up some coke--the miracle drug; and pseudophedrine--the other miracle drug, at least when it comes to migraines for me.
America is a wonderful place. Overwhelming. But wonderful. I arrived here to a cool house, but was able to find the thermostat and set the heat at whatever temperature I wanted (I'm still trying to figure out what I want, partly because I am used to celsius and partly because I am not used to having controllable warmth). I'm so used to having my heating controlled by someone else that it is quite a novel thing to have the power to change that myself. AND I don't have to worry about my music being too loud or my alarm clock (which it is--scares the living daylights out of me, I'm liable to start waking up before it just to turn it off so I don't die of a heart-attack) or any of those kinds of things because I am in a house! However, the down side is that it does have a basement (still haven't been down there--should go soon though, need to do laundry; maybe I can wait till Becky comes in a couple of days and can hold my hand and scare away all the creepies down there :D ). Also, it is on the ground floor and there are no bars over the windows or extra locks on the doors!!! Just thinking about that freaks me out! Guess my family's been robbed enough (usually when we weren't home, but not always) and having lived in ...um... rather larger cities than this most of my life; well, it's amazing to me how safe things must be here.
Plus, I can just go hop in my car and drive around the corner to the bank (I was able to get some bank issues cleared up in 15 minutes that I had worked on for a month in Ukraine, but because I wasn't here, in country, they just didn't know how to deal with it); or to any number of fast food places, all of which make me nauseated at this point just thinking about them; or to Walmart or a craft store or shoe store (where they actually sell shoes that are comfortable and that fit! :-o ). I can get sweet potatoes and acorn squash and creme sticks. Ginger ale. Turkeys! Italian sausage that I don't have to make myself. And canned tomatoes that don't still have the skin on them. Miracles never cease.
So, I'm enjoying my time here. I'm feeling a bit lonely today, but probably more because I've been sick than because I'm lacking people attention. I've seen my grandparents several times, which I am just LOVING. I'm talking to friends and family on the phone and have gone out with and have plans to go out with friends. I even have a friend coming from MN to visit me this week.
All around, God is good and I am feeling blessed--stomach ache or no.
I'm just amazed that I'm in the States right now. Somehow doesn't seem quite real.

The Gift of Gratefulness

Over the last couple of weeks I've mentioned several times about wanting to post a blog about gratefulness or about all the things that I feel blessed with. Today is the day.
It's hard to know where to begin, I have so many things that I feel blessed with and grateful for. One thing that does keep coming to mind are all the friends that God has brought into my life in the last year. I've gone from being non-existant to having a life. I have 7-10 friends now that at this point last year I didn't even know at all. Other acquaintances have become closer friends. I feel truly blessed with all the people that God has brought into my life: roommates, coffee and prayer buddies, small group friends and just friends--people that I can hang out with and be myself and laugh with and experience life together. All of these people encourage me and challenge me to keep growing and they are teaching me that I am a lovable person, just the way I am. They keep me from focusing to much on myself and remind me of the vast adventure that life can be.
I'm also so grateful for this wonderful apartment. It has really become a homey place. This summer, with the help of friends we were able to get a boiler installed so that we can have hot water in the bathroom. Then later the landlord agreed to rewallpapering the hallway. Little things, but they make such a big difference.
One of the things that is closely connected for me to my enjoying my apartment is the heat and hot water situation. In the other two years the hot water has been turned off in August and not turned on until the end of October when they also turned the heat on (normally they turn the heat on in the middle of Oct. in other places in Ukraine, by the end of the month it is pretty miserable without heat). This year, they turned on the hot water in September and the heat in the middle of October!
I normally think of these things as small inconveniences, just part of life here in Ukraine; something to be born with a grin and you just do the best you can. Until this year when things were different I had not realized how much it affects me physically to be always struggling against the cold. The extra warmth and warm water have made life so much less painful, literally. I've struggled with pain and stiffness in my joints from the cold for years. It makes just getting out of bed a process as I just can't move quickly. The cold really slows me down. It also exhausts me, as my body struggles to do everything that is required of it with the additional pain and while fighting the cold. But this year having the heat on earlier and having hot water have made a huge difference! AND, a friend recommended a new supplement, which I have been taking for a couple of weeks, and it has done wonders for my cold tolerance. I was already wearing gloves at the beginning of the month because I couldn't bear to let my hands get cold because it was so painful. Now the last couple of weeks I haven't even kept my gloves in my pockets because I am having so little pain in my hands. I am often not even aware that my hands are cold! I didn't even know that was possible. I am so grateful.
Another thing that was highlighted for me recently was how much improved my health is, esp. my back. People have prayed for me for six years for my back pain and now I am at a place where I am almost completely healed. Actually, I would say I am completely healed, it is just there is residual weakness which sometimes still leads to pain in my back and legs. But this was highlighted for me a couple of weeks ago when I pinched a nerve in my upper back. I could hardly carry my purse without breaking into a sweat from the pain (not exaggerating). That Sunday, as I was laying on the couch, trying not to move, I began to think about how I used to be just in a constant fog of pain. Just thinking was so difficult. I would read something and reread it and reread it, and often still struggled to grasp what I was reading or to focus or concentrate. The pain was constant and made any position uncomfortable after a few minutes. I would shift around like a five-year-old trying to find a bearable position. I would wake up many times during the night to gingerly change position without hurting myself. My legs hurt so badly that sometimes I just couldn't find any position that was pain free. And, of course, the pain took its toll on my body, leaving me physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually exhausted. Often I couldn't even read my Bible because it was too taxing to try to make sense of what was written and piecing together more than the simplest of prayers was equally as difficult. Now, here I am, sitting awkwardly on the couch, laptop balanced on my leg not even thinking of when I can next lay down to relieve some of the pain. Am I completely pain free, no. I still have back pain off and on, my fingers and hips hurt from the weather changes and I get migraines at the most inconvenient times for no reason that I can pinpoint. Am I grateful, yes. Without hesitation and without doubt, Yes!
That pinched nerve two weeks ago was a beautiful reminder of how far I have come, how much God has healed my body. Even just a year ago I was spending tons of time laying down from chronic fatigue from pain and other causes. Now I rarely spend more than an hour or two laying down extra! I have less pain. I have a clear mind. I can think logically again. I am becoming myself again. The pain and illness had so worn me out that I became a personality-less person, but I am blooming again. I can read my Bible without struggling to get through even a few verses!
Another thing that my roommate and I were talking about today is that I am at peace again. This summer I was struggling so much with anxiety and now that has dissipated. God has just taken care of that and found ways to teach me to again rest in Him and lean my head on His shoulder. It still pops up occasionally, but in these last two weeks of storms, when I should have been struggling with anxiety more than ever, I was not. And I was aware of it. I was aware of the curious peace that God had given me. And I felt blessed.

I think one of the good things that God has brought in my life from all of the illness, pain and other struggles that I have had is that I am now able to see His blessings and His work more clearly; it is the gift of gratefulness. A long time ago, when I was in a dungeon of black pain and struggle I noticed that in Psalms it often talks about giving God praise in the "assembly" and not sealing our lips before the "assembly" about the great things God has done. I knew then that I wanted to do that. Somehow, I want to tell others about the great and wonderful things God has done for me. This blog is one little way of doing that. One little way of making His name great. I want everyone to know these good things and praise Him for them!

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I want so much to express all these thoughts and feelings that are whirling through my brain right now, but I don't really know where to start.
I've been wanting to make a post about the many things that I am grateful for, the many blessings that God has brought into my life, but then last week happened and I needed to write about other things. But as I walked through that week and this and life has continued to swirl around me, I have been thinking that while there are many struggles and sadnesses, that does not change the gratefulness that overwhelms my heart. Sometimes I don't have time to feel it right now, but it is still very much there.
Tonight I had prayer with a group of a missionary ladies. We try to get together once a month to just pray in English together as that allows us a freedom both in our expression and in our words that we can not have when we pray in other languages or with people who are too closely related to our ministries. We each took a time to share about the things that have been happening in our lives over the past week or so. It's been a rough time for all of us it seems. But yet, there was peace there. The peace of the One who slept in the boat while the storm raged around Him.
I took my turn to share and was myself surprised at how much was going on in my little mind. First, of course, Kostia and his children are on my mind and heart. Then there are financial issues at the office and our book that we've been working so hard to finish by today has been delayed for a week or two. I'm leaving to go to Ohio early next week for a month, so that project will not be completed before I leave. Dad is leaving for Russia tonight and our bookkeeper is joining him on the road tomorrow (and she's not feeling well right now); there was an upset in dad's plans today that have caused extra work for him. Our mission board meets on Thursday and has some important decisions to make. I'm preparing to go to the States for a month so need to leave the office in good order and prepare myself for that time. I'm also doing a "course" (usually 10-14 days) of deep tissue massage for my back and legs to relieve some of the pain there--and it really is very helpful, although painful to go through and time consuming, taking 3-4 hours every day what with commute and all. A friend is experiencing a spiritual battle. Two others are out of work and struggling to find what God wants them to do right now. Others are struggling with their marriages. And the list goes on...
Yet, in the midst of all these whirling winds, there is peace in my heart. There is that quiet, secure knowledge that God has His hand in the small of my back and is leading and guiding and protecting and caring and that I just need to trust Him--not just for myself, but for each of these others. It is always easier for me to trust God for myself than for another. I always want to fix and help and do. I am a Martha when it comes to others. Perhaps a little of Mary in my own life, but so much a Martha when I see other people hurting and struggling. But I am not the Healer. He is. And in recognizing that I find peace in my heart for myself and for all those that I care about.
God is good.