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I want so much to express all these thoughts and feelings that are whirling through my brain right now, but I don't really know where to start.
I've been wanting to make a post about the many things that I am grateful for, the many blessings that God has brought into my life, but then last week happened and I needed to write about other things. But as I walked through that week and this and life has continued to swirl around me, I have been thinking that while there are many struggles and sadnesses, that does not change the gratefulness that overwhelms my heart. Sometimes I don't have time to feel it right now, but it is still very much there.
Tonight I had prayer with a group of a missionary ladies. We try to get together once a month to just pray in English together as that allows us a freedom both in our expression and in our words that we can not have when we pray in other languages or with people who are too closely related to our ministries. We each took a time to share about the things that have been happening in our lives over the past week or so. It's been a rough time for all of us it seems. But yet, there was peace there. The peace of the One who slept in the boat while the storm raged around Him.
I took my turn to share and was myself surprised at how much was going on in my little mind. First, of course, Kostia and his children are on my mind and heart. Then there are financial issues at the office and our book that we've been working so hard to finish by today has been delayed for a week or two. I'm leaving to go to Ohio early next week for a month, so that project will not be completed before I leave. Dad is leaving for Russia tonight and our bookkeeper is joining him on the road tomorrow (and she's not feeling well right now); there was an upset in dad's plans today that have caused extra work for him. Our mission board meets on Thursday and has some important decisions to make. I'm preparing to go to the States for a month so need to leave the office in good order and prepare myself for that time. I'm also doing a "course" (usually 10-14 days) of deep tissue massage for my back and legs to relieve some of the pain there--and it really is very helpful, although painful to go through and time consuming, taking 3-4 hours every day what with commute and all. A friend is experiencing a spiritual battle. Two others are out of work and struggling to find what God wants them to do right now. Others are struggling with their marriages. And the list goes on...
Yet, in the midst of all these whirling winds, there is peace in my heart. There is that quiet, secure knowledge that God has His hand in the small of my back and is leading and guiding and protecting and caring and that I just need to trust Him--not just for myself, but for each of these others. It is always easier for me to trust God for myself than for another. I always want to fix and help and do. I am a Martha when it comes to others. Perhaps a little of Mary in my own life, but so much a Martha when I see other people hurting and struggling. But I am not the Healer. He is. And in recognizing that I find peace in my heart for myself and for all those that I care about.
God is good.