I'm sitting here staring at a blank page. I have so much on my mind to say, but, well, I am struggling to figure out how to say it well. I haven't blogged in, well, forever. Almost a year. My last blog was January 7, Ukrainian Christmas. Recently I wrote a humorous note on facebook and someone suggested that I start writing again (well, I don't think they know that I used to write). The problem is that while I enjoy writing the occasional humorous piece most of what I want to write is more serious. I feel like I have all these things stored up in my head and it seems like a waste to let them sit there. But then, is it arrogant to think that I should share them? The fear of coming across as condescending or "know it all" or that I think I am on some sort of a "spiritual pedestal" (for the truly spiritually mature, you understand--there are so few of us out there--dramatic sigh) kind of forestalls me.
You see, I have felt that way in the past (the spiritual pedestal part mostly). It kind of runs in my family and in the missionary business to a degree. Sometimes I feel like Paul who was a very well pedigreed Jew. So am I as a Christian. Raised in a Christian environment; homeschooled in a Christian program; went to a Christian college; returned and worked as a missionary editing and writing books about the Bible and Christianity for ten years. I could elaborate, but I might make myself ill. Suffice it to say that I do have a great heritage, for which I am very thankful, but unfortunately, some of those same things that have contributed to that heritage have also made other people think that I had more spiritual insight than they do--that they should look up to me and set me a little apart. Truth be told, it makes you feel special, but when you get on that pedestal well...it is hard not to begin to think that you are different and special and to respond to the respect that other people accord you. And that is very dangerous. I've seen how easily people become arrogant and judgmental "because they are a spiritual leader" and so have to judge other people and call them to account. I have been there. I don't want to be like that now--it is too precarious of a position. As my husband says, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks."
So how do I share my thoughts and "insights" without coming across that way? It has been quite an adjustment to "civilian" life. One that I am still making. Sometimes I want to shake the people in Bible study because it is so shallow! I want to show them deeper ways, but who am I to them? They don't know my history or my heritage. I have not earned the right to speak in that way and I refuse to just fall back on my "pedigree" as tempting as it is at times. Yes, I have studied the Bible a lot. I am familiar with it. And with different ways of studying it and what different people say about different issues. I've taught it. I don't want to hide all my knowledge "under a bushel" but there is so much "knowledge" out there...do I really need to add to all the words?
I'm still struggling with this. I do know that I write out of my own experiences and interests. I'm not trying to "preach", but sometimes writing helps me to express what my heart is trying to say. But writing like this is work too. It takes discipline. Shall I write again? Is anyone listening? Should anyone be listening?

You know, I really wasn't intending to write about this all at all. I had something totally different in mind when I sat down. Yet here we are.