Missionary Kids

This is something my mum sent me a while ago. It definitely has some interesting thoughts. I've inserted a few comments of my own (the colored text).

The following is quoted from “Peter’s Wife” September 2007—an online missionary wife magazine.

MK Challenges:

Where is Home?
While living overseas, our children usually answer that question with the name of a town in their passport country. It is a safe and quick answer understood by the locals around them. In reality, they may feel home is really on the field. Some were even born overseas, so it is the only home they know.

While home on furlough or for school the question, “Where are you from?” starts a process of assessment. Is this a person I want to spend the next thirty minutes explaining my childhood to? Would they even care? Am I feeling too guarded to let this person in on my trans-cultural complex secret? In the blink of an eye, the decision is made. They do not intentionally avoid sharing their stories; it is just safer and simpler to stay quiet. It is strictly survival. They learn quickly that although their stories are interesting to a few, they are generally misunderstood or too complex to many. It is a challenge non-MKs never face.

You have no idea how true this is! I hate being asked where I am from, even now as an adult I don't have a good answer. But if I don't tell the full truth I feel like I am lying. But if I do tell it all, either people get bored, overwhelmed or think I am bragging.

Who are My Real Friends?
Virtually all MKs have lost some best friends along the way. Like everyone else, they have special people close to them. When those special friends leave, intense feelings of loneliness can occur. They may protect themselves from future pain by refusing to form strong friendships in new places.

Most MKs form more superficial friendships than other children. They have learned to cleverly hide who they are and what they are, from both themselves and from others. This leads to loneliness.

Some MKs were rejected or abused while on the field, when they were lied to, made fun of, abandoned or rejected. Others perceived rejection that was not intended. Whether intentional or unintentional, they were hurt. When our children have experienced verbal or psychological hurts, they may develop defensive walls to protect themselves. They may shut themselves off from both the people who can help them and those who may harm them.

Sometimes MKs feel as if they are “a black pearl in a box of shining jewels.” They feel like a misfit, someone unlike the rest of the crowd. Very often they try hard to be like everyone else. They want to be normal instead of standing out and being rejected because of their difference.

Again, very true. I love being a unique individual, but very rarely do I allow myself to be one. I've been stared at and laughed at for my clothes, accent and even physical features. Often by people who didn't mean to hurt, but I was so "novel". All I wanted was to sink into the background and while I didn't care about being one of the "in crowd" I just wanted not to stick out so much. I'm learning now to turn it to my good, but I still find myself clamming up when I am around strangers so that I can avoid awkward questions and time worn platitudes.

Re-Entry to Home Culture
MKs are raised physically and culturally different. They have a vast amount of rich cross-cultural experiences, but then eventually are expected to return permanently to live in a country that they do not feel is home. MKs feel comfortable being different in a foreign country. They are supposed to be different. They may be the only blonde among their black-haired classmates or the tallest student in their class. But feeling lost in the place they thought was home is very unsettling.

They are not cool! They may not understand the jokes. They cannot relate to the way of life experienced by everyone around them. The things they care about seem irrelevant. Their speech and mannerisms are considered odd. They even use their knife and fork differently. They don’t seem to fit in the land they had come to idolize as home.

Some MKs have false expectations about home. At first going home is great, seeing relatives and eating pizza. But soon differences pop up. Their classmates can drive cars and use slang they don’t know. Classmates have no idea where the MKs have been living and they seem so wasteful and shallow to MKs. Something is just not right with these people! They don’t meet the MKs expectations and our children don’t meet their expectations either.

MKs can be afraid of losing their identity in their home culture. They may refuse to learn the new ways or adjust to changes. All of these conflicts may be acted out as anger, rebellion, or isolation from peers.

Even worse than not understanding the other people is that they don't understand you. They don't understand your sense of humor or the vast experiences that you may have under your belt at a very young age.

And people in the West do seem very wasteful and shallow from this side. Often MK's are raised in a "bubble" world in their host country made up of other missionaries and spiritual leaders, so that when they return "home" and meet with a lot of non-missionaries they perceive these people as being shallow spiritually.

It's like going through culture shock all over again and you have to make the cultural adjustment to your "home" culture. Only people there are not at all sympathetic to your "eccentricities" because they assume that you are like them. It truly is a difficult adjustment.

I myself have been through these adjustments and they are difficult. I am still going through some of them as I try to keep friendships on several continents alive--it's difficult to remember what each person can or can not relate to!

My brothers are also going through some of the adjustments too, esp. my younger brother, Matthew. So if you think of him, please do pray that God would encourage him and help him to find a way to bridge the cultural gap.