Gifts

Here I am. Julianne is napping. This is not what I had planned to do with this time. But here I am. My heart is full and overflowing.
I was thinking about a friend recently. When I met her she was about 80. I was in my teens.She was always very patient with me and kind and we had many little conversations, but one thing that she said has stuck in my memory. She was married for ten years before her husband passed away and one day she said that those ten years had been the happiest of her life. At the time that was unfathomable to me. How could you pick one period as happier than the others? Of course, I had only lived a few more than ten years at the time, so my experience was somewhat limited.
I understand better now. Not fully I am sure. But better.
Yesterday I was laying in bed at about 4:30am and Julianne was snuggled in beside me. She had not slept well, so of course I hadn't either. My wonderful husband was already up and on the road in his truck working for us. And I was laying there wishing I could sleep. Baby 2 was kicking and dancing. Julianne was snuggled up in my arm and every time I tried to remove my arm so I could get comfortable she'd start to cry. And as I lay there looking at my little munchkin, those tiny hands and eyes and nose and mouth and ears, all I knew was that I was blessed. The happiness is overwhelming. I knew that I should be tired and cranky and feel like complaining, but how can I complain when I see the wonderful gifts that I have?!
I cherish these moments. I don't know what tomorrow holds. Life isn't perfect now. We aren't wealthy. Our house is a shambles of rennovations and truck parts and toys and living. I'm far away from my family. I have pain every day. My husband is gone five days a week earning a living for us.
But I laugh so much. My eyes well when I think of my blessings and I strive to honor what God has given me by cherishing these moments for I know that they are fleeting. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. Will I have my husband for two years or twenty years? For how long has God given me the stewardship of this little girl who is sitting in her high chair eating cheerios and talking about it? Not every child grows up. Not every child dies after their parents. And this new little one: we still have a little more than four months before we even get to meet them. So much can happen in that time.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I do know that I am not supposed to worry about them. I also know that part of my planning for those darker days that I know are inevitable (barring the Lord's imminent return) is that I am cherishing and storing up these moments. I don't know if this is part of my "happiest ten years" or even how long they will last. But I want to make the most of every moment! And so I cherish those moments of laying awake at night and snuggling Julianne or feeling Baby 2 do the "Hokey Pokey". I miss my husband when he is gone, but I cherish those moments when we are together and the many, many phone conversations that we have (thank God for cell phones!). And I know that I am blessed beyond even what I can recognize.

I'm sitting here staring at a blank page. I have so much on my mind to say, but, well, I am struggling to figure out how to say it well. I haven't blogged in, well, forever. Almost a year. My last blog was January 7, Ukrainian Christmas. Recently I wrote a humorous note on facebook and someone suggested that I start writing again (well, I don't think they know that I used to write). The problem is that while I enjoy writing the occasional humorous piece most of what I want to write is more serious. I feel like I have all these things stored up in my head and it seems like a waste to let them sit there. But then, is it arrogant to think that I should share them? The fear of coming across as condescending or "know it all" or that I think I am on some sort of a "spiritual pedestal" (for the truly spiritually mature, you understand--there are so few of us out there--dramatic sigh) kind of forestalls me.
You see, I have felt that way in the past (the spiritual pedestal part mostly). It kind of runs in my family and in the missionary business to a degree. Sometimes I feel like Paul who was a very well pedigreed Jew. So am I as a Christian. Raised in a Christian environment; homeschooled in a Christian program; went to a Christian college; returned and worked as a missionary editing and writing books about the Bible and Christianity for ten years. I could elaborate, but I might make myself ill. Suffice it to say that I do have a great heritage, for which I am very thankful, but unfortunately, some of those same things that have contributed to that heritage have also made other people think that I had more spiritual insight than they do--that they should look up to me and set me a little apart. Truth be told, it makes you feel special, but when you get on that pedestal well...it is hard not to begin to think that you are different and special and to respond to the respect that other people accord you. And that is very dangerous. I've seen how easily people become arrogant and judgmental "because they are a spiritual leader" and so have to judge other people and call them to account. I have been there. I don't want to be like that now--it is too precarious of a position. As my husband says, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks."
So how do I share my thoughts and "insights" without coming across that way? It has been quite an adjustment to "civilian" life. One that I am still making. Sometimes I want to shake the people in Bible study because it is so shallow! I want to show them deeper ways, but who am I to them? They don't know my history or my heritage. I have not earned the right to speak in that way and I refuse to just fall back on my "pedigree" as tempting as it is at times. Yes, I have studied the Bible a lot. I am familiar with it. And with different ways of studying it and what different people say about different issues. I've taught it. I don't want to hide all my knowledge "under a bushel" but there is so much "knowledge" out there...do I really need to add to all the words?
I'm still struggling with this. I do know that I write out of my own experiences and interests. I'm not trying to "preach", but sometimes writing helps me to express what my heart is trying to say. But writing like this is work too. It takes discipline. Shall I write again? Is anyone listening? Should anyone be listening?

You know, I really wasn't intending to write about this all at all. I had something totally different in mind when I sat down. Yet here we are.

Faith?

I was sitting here on the couch feeling a little discouraged when I looked up and my eye caught on the picture that Ken and I bought together for Christmas. It is a mountain goat in the middle of leaping from one precipice to another over a seemingly bottomless chasm. You don’t know if he’ll make it or not. The picture is entitled “Faith”. It is a good reminder just at the moment.

You see, Ken and I are trying to get our own truck on the road (he’s a log truck driver). We have been working on this pretty much since we got married. We finally found a truck in our price range and worked out a deal and brought her home and Ken has been fixing her up since then. Unfortunately, just before we were ready to launch out on our own Ken got laid off. Pros side of that is that we get unemployment. Cons side is that that is about half of what he was making and without those last couple of paychecks we didn’t really have the money to finish up the last few details we needed to on the truck. So, for the last six weeks we have been trying to find ways to do that creatively. We’ve done pretty good and were all set to start a new job this week, today actually.

And then Saturday happened. Ken went out to finish up a couple of things and double checked the lights and they wouldn’t work. Eventually he opened up the dashboard to see if it was a faulty wire. It was. A whole bunch of them. A rat’s nest really. Literally. A rat/mouse had made a home behind the dash and in addition to packing it full of paper and other nesting materials had chewed up any wires that were “inconvenient”. Not sure how the lights and other instruments managed to work as long as they did, but they don’t work now. So, Ken spent today and who knows how many more days rewiring the whole truck.

This is one of many things that have happened to slow down our progress with this truck. And it is hard to wait on God when it seems so urgent (after all, at this rate we won’t get our first paycheck until about the time the baby is due); but then you look up and your eye catches a picture about faith…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34