Thinking About the Marys

Being pregnant at Christmas gives new depth to my thoughts about Mary. I've been thinking about the scorn and rejection she endured and how she still cherished her pregnancy despite the lack of support. Thinking about how difficult it must have been to ride a donkey and walk for three days to get to Bethlehem. And yet, perhaps a relief too; getting away from all the gossip and sideways glances. In Bethlehem nobody knew that Joseph wasn't the baby's biological father. They just saw a young couple starting their family.
Every time I feel my little baby kick and squirm I think about Mary and wonder how it was for her.

Then there is the other Mary, Mary Magdalene. She came to mind the other day when I was rubbing Ken's feet. He pulled a ligament or something and his one foot has just been really hurting him for a month or so. So, every once in a while I give him a foot rub. He has very clean feet so it doesn't gross me out. But it did make me think about Mary Magdalene and wonder what it was like for her to wash Jesus' feet. Working on someone's feet is humbling in any case even if you do it out of love. But at least Ken's feet were clean and not smelly. I wonder how Jesus' feet were? I know she was cleaning them with her perfume and her hair. And like the other Mary she was scorned for her involvement with Jesus.

I wonder about these women. What was life like for them? Jesus changed both of their lives in such incredible ways. And painful ways too, I think. But they loved him. Adored him for it.
I hope I can do the same.

Steps Forward

I think I am full of happy hormones.

Truly.

I blame being pregnant. And I’m happy about that. Just like I’m happy about just about everything else. I’m happy about getting to do a couple of craft fairs and sell my baked goods at them. I’m happy to get to make Thanksgiving dinner. I’m happy to get up at 2:30am to see my hard-working husband off to work. I’m happy to get up once or twice a night to pee. I’m just happy!

I do think some of it is pregnancy related. But I think that some of it is also contentment related. Not everything is wonderful and nice (I still don’t love dusting or cleaning the toilet, but I am happier when I am done!), but I do have so much to be thankful for.

I feel blessed. Not that I wasn’t blessed a year ago or two years ago or ten years ago. And not that I wasn’t aware of that then. That’s why I’m blaming the pregnancy hormones. Of course, it could have something to do with being newly married too. I don’t know.

I am very thankful for the life I have lived. I can’t say that my twenties were the easiest period of my life, but they were certainly valuable and I wouldn’t be who I am now without them. And I wouldn’t appreciate what I have now in the same way without having had to wait for it as long as I did.

Watching your friends get married out of college and start their families while you wait for God’s timing in your own life is not easy. Particularly when a family is all you’ve ever really wanted. I didn’t grow up thinking I would be a “career woman”. Sure, I thought about becoming a nurse or doctor. But it was always this vague thing that was primarily altruistic. It was about ministry, not earning a living and supporting myself as a single woman. I don’t think I ever expected to have to support myself in that way and it was not easy for me. But I did my best to follow God’s leading and be content where He had me. And there were a lot of tears involved in that as I worked to submit to Him and trust that He truly did know what He was doing and that His plan for my life was good. Between chronic fatigue, herniated disks and a job that I was good at but eventually burned me out, it wasn’t always easy to find the silver linings.

Now, in contrast, I feel like my life is full of silver linings. Part of me feels like crossing my fingers because I don’t know how long this euphoria will last. The other part of me just smiles and says, “Trust God, He’s carried you through in the past and He’ll take care of you whatever the future holds. Just relax and enjoy what He has given you for now. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.” And so I do, I let it go and focus on what I have right now. Not what I hope for tomorrow, or wish for yesterday. Just thankful for the wonderful life God has given me. And for a wonderful God who cares about me so personally that He is willing to fulfill the dreams of a little girl in ways beyond her imagining.

And I’m happy.

Just a little while after I wrote this Ken called to say that he had been laid off. It definitely threw me for a loop, but with a little time and prayer we both realized that it is for the best at the moment. We are working on getting our own truck going, hopefully in the beginning of December. The extra time will allow Ken to do some work on the truck that really needs done. It did certainly make me think about whether my happiness was a surface thing or from deep wells within. 

I am still happy.

Blogging Again

Goodness, it's been a while since I was here (yes, I've always been good at stating the self-evident).

Life has happened. And it is GOOD. There is so much to catch you up on! My life has done a 180 in the last eight months. I'm married, pregnant, and no longer working outside the home. I will say that the pregnancy is part of the reason that I haven't blogged for so long, but really there are other reasons, like not editing anymore--I'm just not on my computer as much. And we didn't have internet at home the first few months of married life, so that affected things too.

I am well aware that my life and choices are far from conventional, but they have proven wonderful for me! Of course, at the moment I am also basking in the pregnancy glow, so everything just seems more wonderful in general, but I don't think that is the only reason. It just makes me more emotional about it.

I feel like I have waited for so many years for these things and now in one year's time I have gone from single with no expectations in this direction to married with a little one on the way. A year ago I wouldn't have believed that this could have happened. But God is always a worker of miracles and here I am.

I'm not saying life is all perfect all of a sudden because I am married and pregnant. There are still things I struggle with. I do miss being closer to family. I wouldn't mind having a little more income. Or being closer to some of my friends. Having a little more energy. Having a better house to live in (this one is in renovations, but it is just not well insulated--hot in summer, cold in winter). And today in particular I am wishing my mouth would heal more quickly after getting a molar pulled.
But then I come back to something that Ken and I talked about before we were married and frequently talk about now too: Contentment is a choice. So is happiness.
It is about where we choose to put our focus: on the positive or the negative. It is generally easier to focus on the negative (and it's more dramatic and people give us more attention generally). It just takes less effort to see the dirt on the ground than it does to lift our eyes to the beauty of the sky.
For me, on the days when it is hard to be content or happy in the moment there are two things I remember: 1. There is always at least one thing to be thankful for! (and generally a lot more than that) 2. There is always someone who has it tougher than me.
And the other way that I pull up my bootstraps is to do something nice for someone else. Make a nice dinner. Bake cookies. Chase down their dog. Write a letter. Make a phone call. Most things aren't too difficult and don't have to be dramatic, but that setting aside of myself makes all the difference! And suddenly I have done something productive and kind and my day gets a little more sunlight in it.

Right now, during this time of basking in the glow of being newly married and pregnant and all that I don't generally "feel the need" to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but even so, focusing on the positive and choosing contentment is still important. After all, if I develop the good habits while it is relatively easy to do so, won't it be easier to keep them when things get tough?