On the Hypocrisy of Daily Devotions

It's dark out. It's not yet 6am. It should be dark. I'm sitting here at the dining room table having consumed my taco (yes, I am pregnant) and sipping my coffee dutifully, wondering why I am not in the living room reading my Bible. Actually, I'm not wondering, I know why, but I'm fighting with the guilt incurred by my desire to just be still and quiet and rest for a few more moments before my day starts and the idea that my day would start so much better if I picked up my Bible and had a "devotional time".
A meme that I saw on Facebook yesterday pops into my mind: "The Bible is meant to be our DAILY bread." And my heart and mind revolt. The guilt is almost overwhelming, to the point of tears, but my mind calms my emotion.
I'm sure the person who designed that particular meme was well meaning, like many other Christians who very much encourage daily Bible reading or devotional times. Unfortunately, they are also misguided. You see "Our Daily Bread" is actually a devotional book. The only time that exact phrase appears in the Bible is in the Lord's prayer where Jesus teaches us to pray, "Give us today our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11). There are definitely those who interpret that to mean our spiritual food, but there are those who interpret it to be our physical food or both. The confusion deepens however, because Jesus called Himself the Bread of Life and the Living Bread (John 6:48, 51). It's easy to make the jump from needing to pray for "daily bread" to assuming that reading the Bible is the best way to connect with Jesus who is our "Bread of Life". It's a dangerous assumption.
"How can it be dangerous!?" you ask. There are several reasons. The first is that reading the Bible is not the only way to connect with Jesus. Continual prayer is also essential. I'm not talking about the kind of prayer where you spend five minutes or five hours with your head bowed and hands clasped. I'm talking about the kind of prayer that is living your life. The kind where you wake up in the dark morning and say, "Good morning, God, thank you for this quiet," and as you go throughout your day you involve Him. Asking Him to help you find your car keys. Sharing a moment's bliss in the laugh of your child. Thanking Him for the voice of a friend. Crying over a struggle. It is not always in formulated words but more in a continual awareness that invites Him to be a part of each detail of your life guiding you, comforting, sometimes putting the breaks on and reminding you that it is more Christlike to shut your mouth than to stir up dissension. Just a continual relationship.
I know that some of you are about to jump out of your chair to tell me that we can't have this kind of relationship and understanding with Almighty God without a knowledge of what is in the Bible! This is true. Or it is part of a truth. You see, knowledge is only one part. Understanding is the other. Many people have a knowledge of the Bible. Few seem to really understand it. Certainly none of us can understand it in full.
There are those who will tell you that you must study the "original" languages in order to truly understand the Bible. Don't let them deceive you. Certainly an understanding of the Hebrew and Greek languages can be helpful, but the reality is that the "original texts" that we have are in fact translations already. I managed a publishing office in Ukraine for three years. We did not print books in English, we translated them into Russian and Ukrainian and printed them. There are some things that simply cannot be translated in any way accurately enough to encompass the full colloquial meaning in the original language. And there are some things that change in meaning ever so slightly as you translate them into the colloquialisms of another language. On top of that language is fluid, it is ever changing: the English we have today is not the English from even 20 years ago. We have new words and new meanings for old words. Can a study of Greek be beneficial, yes, but the question you need to ask is at what point does the benefit outweigh the effort?
I was facilitating a study once for some highly educated men. I have a bachelor's degree, most of them had master's and some were working on their doctorates. The majority also had some knowledge of Greek at least. One day one of the men asked me why I didn't study Greek and if I didn't think that was important? Saying a quick prayer, I answered that until I was practicing everything that I already understand from the Bible I did not see the need to delve into other languages. In other words, I believe that I can understand enough of what God wants me to do from the English Bible that I read that it is already more than I have been able to practice properly in my life, so the effort required in study of "original" languages would be wasted.
On a side note, but an important one, despite the inadequacies of human understanding and interpretation I believe that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God because God is almighty and is able to use us in our weaknesses to accomplish His will. So, God's power overcomes our deficiencies.
My argument is simply that daily devotions or daily Bible reading or whatever term you use is not the key to a successful Christian life. We do absolutely need to found our lives, understanding and actions very solidly on the Bible, but that isn't going to automatically happen just because you read the Bible every day. Just like with physical food we can overeat on spiritual food and become spiritually obese. It happens when we read the Bible and listen to sermons and read spiritual books without really stopping to absorb it and implement it in our lives. It leaves us feeling full, but not satiated.
Being a follower of Christ and experiencing that deep and soul-satisfying relationship comes with practice. Reading the Bible is a good place to start, but most of us don't need to go very far before we come upon commands that will take us a lifetime to truly practice.  "Love your neighbor as yourself." "Do not worry about tomorrow." "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness." "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:34-39 and 6:25, 33-34)
That doesn't mean we should stop reading the Bible until we have fully implemented each commandment we come to. God has interwoven the Bible in such a way that there are throughout stories which exemplify different commandments and different aspects of God's character as well as direct teaching on what living a Christlike life means. Most of the commands are pretty direct and easily understandable, but sometimes they take a while to implement and sometimes we need to work on implementing several in order to be able to implement a different one. For each person it is different because we each grow at our own pace and face our own obstacles.
Bible reading is incredibly important. Having a basic knowledge of the Bible and it's contents is very helpful in the Christian life. But it is not the measure of your Christianity. Reading your Bible every day does not make you more spiritual than anybody else. In fact it can have just the opposite effect if you allow it to lead you into pride at your spirituality. God has created each one of us uniquely. For some people or during some periods of our lives reading the Bible on a daily basis is what we need to survive. For others or at different times in our lives we may need to focus on memorization or meditation, perhaps a weekly in-depth Bible study that really challenges us in some particular area.
The Bible is a gift, not to be taken for granted. Until just a few hundred years ago it was not something that us "common people" could even access and it was only in the last century that the idea came about that each individual should have their own Bible. Yet somehow throughout the ages God has made Himself present in people's lives and they have had real relationships with Him to the depth that they were willing to die for Him.
Don't be guilted into reading the Bible. Reading the Bible every day can be a wonderful thing, but if you are only doing it because that is what "good" Christians do that is legalism and hypocrisy (Matthew 6:1). Read the Bible because you want to deepen your relationship with God, to learn more about Him and what He wants in your life, and I'm not talking about using the Bible like a magic 8-ball, I'm talking about developing a foundation of principles that you can live your daily life on and know that you are pleasing God and drawing closer to Him through your daily actions and lifestyle.

Cherishing the Moment

My house is a mess. Dishes on the counter from last night's company. Laundry waiting to be folded on the dryer (thankfully only one load at the moment!), quilting projects on the buffet, paperwork on the kitchen counter, coloring books and puzzles on the dining room table, wood chips and mud all over the floor, living room needs vacuuming from all the dog hair because the vacuum had a hiccup yesterday and didn't suck anything up (I believe the letter "D" was responsible-it's a fridge magnet), toys in the living room, throws need to be folded and pillows tidied. And that's just what's visible from the dining room table. But at the moment I don't really care. There is plenty of work to be done. Isn't there always? I'm choosing this moment for quiet. Well, as quiet as I can get with Garfield on TV.
The view out my bay window is white. Snow on the ground. Cloud cover over everything else. The fog is gone but you can't really make out the mountains. It is still. When I let the dogs out this morning I heard the crunch of tires on the snow and I looked up to see a car almost a mile away. I love this peacefulness. There is rest for my soul in it.
Everywhere I look I am amazed at God's creation. Outside is the snow piling up on the ground and dusting the fences and tree. Inside I see my plant which has grown from five leaves to three feet tall. And there's my family: an incredible work of art. A husband who cherishes me, little people who are constantly changing and developing, a home of my very own.
All this mess around me is a wonderful sign of the changes God has brought into my life. A family, a home, a business. I can't look around without being thankful and taking joy in this life I  have been given.
And no, I don't have to stop and take time to settle myself and be quiet to enjoy this. I enjoy it every day. I just enjoy taking a few moments to cherish it.

Mother's Day

There's so many things I want to say about Mother's Day!
I have funny stories to tell, like about my little man managing to get both legs stuck in one hole of a grocery cart seat all the way up to his hips! Or how he has a perverse fascination with the dog food and often has a piece rolling around in his mouth (GROSS!!!) or like today shared some with mama's clean laundry so that as I took out and folded each piece I was shaking dog food all over the place.
I have happiness to share in being a mom. It's a privilege and a blessing and nothing that I could ever earn. There is something so sweet in having a little person crawl in bed with you at 3am and immediately zonk out with their feet propped on your hips and your arm going to sleep under their head. And it is amazing to go in and pick a crying baby up out of his crib and have him settle as long as you are holding him. There is much happiness in mothering for me.

And I have the not so idyllic side too. At the moment we are in the throes of a spell of the "terrible twos". It is not charming to have your child lay down on the floor and throw a fit. Or whine to get their way about something until the whining makes you want to pull your hair out and possibly theirs too. Generally, it is the dog though that pays the price. Poor dog.

And then there is the painful part. All the years that I waited to be a mom are forever a part of me. Sitting on the sidelines while other loved ones had their turn. Wondering when and if it would ever be mine. Reaching that point where I didn't believe it would come to me. Trying to find contentment in "mothering/mentoring" other people and other people's kids. Sometimes being rejected from other families because I was a threat to the mom.
Even now I feel the pain of the waiting. It makes each moment with my children almost desperately precious. I am afraid to lose even one part of our time together because I know both how quickly it will pass and how truly precious it is. Even as I delight in my motherhood my heart is aching for my friends who have yet to experience it. I know so many women in so many different situations: single women waiting for God to bring their spouse to them to build a family with; married women waiting for the "right time" or just waiting, hoping desperately for God to bring them a child biologically or through adoption; single moms struggling because this isn't how they thought it would be; women who have lost a child through miscarriage or other horrors. My heart becomes sick with the grief of these women.

I am a mother. I love being a mother. But part of what enables me to take joy in even the less pleasant moments of motherhood is that I know the pain of  not being a mother too.
I'm not sure that I can honestly say I am thankful for the pain--even now my eyes fill with tears thinking about the empty ache that my heart held for so long and about the ache that I know is in so many women's hearts. The pain is not far away and I can only bear to pull it out and look at it briefly, and in general I try not to look at it too much. It is still too raw.

There are many things about God that I do not understand. I don't pretend to understand why God allows for a pregnancy to arise out of rape or in a woman who has no desire for a child. Nor do I understand why He withholds that from those whose hearts long so deeply for that little one. I could offer many philosophical words about how God uses things to strengthen our faith or deepen our relationship with Him. And many of those things would be true, but none of them explain His processes of selection. All I can really offer you are a few pitiful words.

For those of you who are grieving the absence of children in your life: I am sorry and I grieve with you. I wish that I could share mine with you. I would delight to see you lavish your love on my little ones. For those of you who have children: don't take them for granted, especially if they were given you at a young age--children are not a right nor are they something to take for granted that "everyone can have". Share your children with others who need a little ray of sunshine. Don't be jealous of their relationships with your children; be thankful for how they are enriching your child's life.

Every child can use a little extra love and every child has more love to give than one mother can possibly absorb. Share what you have.

Ugly things: Anxiety

Today has been a high anxiety day. Not one of those things I like to talk about or even really think about. I'm feeling better now, but then again, I'm sitting on the couch with a frosty mocha and an empty ice cream bowl and every time I think about getting up to do something profitable with my day I feel the anxiety flare up again.

Most of my family struggles with anxiety to one degree or another. Some of us are more honest about it. Some of us are more accepting of it. All of us struggle with the idea that somehow anxiety is sin. After all, if we were really trusting God we wouldn't be struggling with anxiety now would we? So therefore anxiety=lack of faith.
I've struggled with that idea my whole life. I've even propagated it to others. But I don't think it is true. Not always at least. I think that there are some very real and appropriate reasons for anxiety. I think that it can also become a mudhole or a rut that we get stuck in.
For myself some of the reasons that I struggle with anxiety include my personal past history (bad experiences, family upbringing, etc.) and some of it seems to be hereditary. Anxiety is something that at least three generations of my family have struggled with that I know of. Over the years of dealing with my own anxiety which has ranged from full-blown panic attacks (which I construed as spiritual attacks--and no doubt they were, but there was also a very real basis for my anxiety) to just an underlying tension mixed with a little shortness of breath or chest pressure. Some days it has been debilitating. Some days keeping from going into a full-blown panic attack has been debilitating. Many days it has just been more of an unwelcome companion. Thankfully, since I got married to my very loving and supportive husband who is very well grounded in reality I have had much less of a struggle with it. But obviously it still does flare up.

I've come to a somewhat grim acceptance of anxiety as part of my life. I'm thankful that I have never had to take medication for it, but there have been times when that would have been a great relief. Sometimes when I get caught in the whirlpool I feel like a lifeline like that would be helpful. Something to stop the cycle so that I can move beyond that. But it depends too on what caused it. On days like today I am not really sure why I am feeling anxious. I know there are reasons, but it is hard to justify them in my mind. I don't always understand why I feel anxiety about certain things. Some days when I am remember hard things and my mind is just replaying them and replaying them like a broken record I would be grateful for any hand to pull me up out of the mire.
And there are times when I am anxious about things like finances or my husband's safety or my children's future, times when I know that while my anxiety may not be entirely unfounded I do need to put these worries in God's hands and let Him take care of my daily bread and worry about tomorrow's problems.

As for anxiety being sin...I think there can be an element of that too. Perhaps when we refuse to refocus (or try to refocus) our minds on other things than the issues causing us anxiety. But then again, some of that comes back to the issue causing us anxiety. If it is something in our past that we need to deal with, face up to, or work through refocusing might not be the right answer either. My mind trips back to a story about displaced children from WWII. These children were rescued and fed and clothed and given a safe place to sleep, but many of them struggled to sleep and often would hoard food and fight over food even though they were now given enough to fill them. Finally someone came up with the idea of giving each child a crust of bread to sleep with and that solved the problems! The children had been experiencing anxiety over where their next meal would come from because experience had taught them that just because there is food today does not mean that there will be food tomorrow. This is anxiety based in experience. Many of us have experienced this to some degree or another.
And there are many, like myself, who fight anxiety that somehow runs in our family. I don't know if it is a chemical imbalance, a personality issue or some other genetic heritage, but somehow we are all connected by it despite our very varied life experiences.
And then there are some, few in my experience, who rely on anxiety for other reasons like the attention they receive for it or because worrying about something somehow makes them feel more important. But even among these people there is usually a thread of experience or heritage in their lives too.

For myself I think anxiety is like desire: I think it is about what you do with it or don't do with it that counts. God speaks often about the heart in the Bible. The status of the heart is much more important to Him than the outward appearance. So today I had anxiety, but I did not have guilt about it. I prayed about it and asked for help and used some simple strategies to distract myself and today I am overcoming. And I am thankful.

I know that some of you struggle with anxiety too. Don't add to your anxiety by guilting yourself over it. Unfortunately, it is one of those ugly things that come with living in a fallen world. And yes, we do need to guard our hearts an work on overcoming, but sometimes the first steps of overcoming anxiety are admitting that we have it and not being ashamed of that. That way we can move beyond the cycle of anxiety-shame-shame induced anxiety-more anxiety-more shame etc. There is freedom in acceptance.

Blogging Ideals

Somewhere in the idylls of my imagination I picture myself sitting down in a peaceful, clean home with a really nice glass of wine (of which I have found very few!); the children are in bed and I am relaxing a little at the end of the day, jotting a few of my momentous thoughts down for the world to read before I too make my way to slumberland.

Reality is a little harsher.

I am sitting on the couch with a cup of sleepytime tea, hoping that that will help me rest better than I have the last several nights. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I put the children to bed half an hour early because they didn't hardly nap today due to a doctor's appointment and they were overtired; I've now been upstairs three times and Kenny keeps crying off and on. This last time I spent a good 20 minutes pitifully singing over and over what few children's songs I can remember the majority of the words to and from there we branched into hymns and a few numbers from musicals that I watched way to many times in my childhood. The kitchen is a clutter. Every time I try to do the dishes someone starts crying so instead of the neat and tidy home that soothes my soul I am sitting in the dark so that I can't see the toys scattered all across the carpet. I'm desperately trying to ignore the mound of laundry that needs to be folded and the other mound that needs to be washed. And there goes Kenny again. Sounds like I had better go up and check on him. ... And the bottle wins again. Sigh. It's only 50 minutes past his bedtime. Julianne is at least finally asleep.
My tea is getting cold. I should go to bed. I have to get up in four hours to see Ken off to work.

Definitely far from the idyllic picture in my head.

But I love it. I love every precious minute of having a husband to get up early with and fix his lunch and spend a few precious minutes in quiet conversation and prayer before he heads out the door for another long day. I love having to go upstairs three time and embarrassing myself by "singing" to my little ones so that they'll relax (which they did, they just didn't go to sleep). I love feeling those tiny hands that I waiting so long to hold wrap around mine while I make a fool of myself for them. Having toys all over the floor and, yes, stepping on them because I am too tired to clean them up. Sitting here propped up determined to write down a few thoughts while I drink my now insipid tea (because I'm too tired to go warm it). My eyes fill with tears at how blessed I am. These long-awaited joys are mine. And I am grateful. And blessed. My soul is just blessed. It seems trite to use that word: "blessed". People throw it around so easily. I guess I could say that my soul is overwhelmed with joy, but that doesn't truly encompass it all either.
I am secure in the knowledge that I have done nothing to deserve this family; but God in His great grace has given me something that daily makes me lift my face to His, often with wordless gratitude and praise. To me it is a miracle. I have always been a little afraid that if I received something that I wanted so desperately much that it might interfere with my relationship with God. And there are some people who probably think that it is because some of the outward acts of Christianity are not so steady in my life at the moment. But my heart is secure in God's hand. He owns it and yet continues to woo me. This is a great grace. He is truly a consummate lover, tenderly placing reminders of Himself throughout my life. Just like the jewelry and other gifts I have from my husband, God has given me my husband and children to serve as reminders of Himself in my life. And I am blessed.

Exhausted. But absolutely and blissfully blessed!

Palm Sunday

Yesterday was Palm Sunday. A rather obvious fact.

We did not go to church. I missed that and was feeling a bit down about it. But Ken decided to invite the neighbors over for lunch "spur of the moment" so I didn't have much time to focus on my thoughts while I prepared the meal and what not.
Afterwards as I was cleaning up and entertaining the kids I was listening in on my husband's conversation. Somehow he turned it to spiritual things and church and what not: he makes it seem so natural and I think it is for him, I just haven't figured out how he does it! And the conversation with the neighbor was an eye-opener for me.
Our neighbor talked about how "church people" are always soliciting you: from the moment you walk into church they are coming up to you and acting all "buddy-buddy" but really they just want to solicit you to join the church or give in the offering or be involved in some other way.
Interestingly, despite and maybe because of growing up in the church Ken feels pretty much the same way. He wants to go and listen to a good sermon and what not, but he doesn't really want people coming over and shaking his hand and acting all friendly. It makes him wonder what they really want.

So there I sat and still sit, trying to organize my thoughts. All of my life I have been taught to be "friendly" and to "reach out" to new people who come to church. But because we didn't go to church yesterday our neighbor was sitting at our table and Ken was planting seeds for future conversations. Our neighbor would certainly not go to church of his own volition.
It makes me wonder if I am alone and just incredibly naive when it comes to "the world" and how people really view "church people" or if perhaps there are many Christians out there who with the best of intentions are actually running people away from church by being too friendly when there is not friendship basis there. Always I have heard and taught friendship evangelism, but most of the times I have seen it put into practice it has been very purposeful as far as people going out and meeting people so that they could form relationships and "evangelize". Very rarely have I gotten to see the real thing where someone had a simple conversation about God with someone that they were already friends with.
This is one of the things that I love the most about my husband: he is very good at sharing what he believes in a manner which communicates with the men he is around. However, I know that most Christians would turn over in their gravy if they heard him refer to God or Jesus during his conversations. But he is presenting the Truth to people who would not otherwise be willing to listen and he doesn't choose his words so that he can "reach his target audience"; no, he uses the language that they talk in every day about everything else. It isn't pretty or refined and there are many Christians who would find it insulting or sacrilegious. 

I find that I have much to learn from this husband of mine. My witnessing skills are sadly lacking. I still tremble with uncertainty and fear to have a purposeful conversation about Jesus with someone that is not saved. But, I have also been amazingly surprised to have the conversation turn to spiritual things without my even trying to make it do so.
To be honest, I never had "non-Christian" friends before I married Ken. And I know that there are people who are concerned that I have "fallen away" from the faith because I don't do many of the things that are expected of "good Christians" at this point in my life. Thankfully God knows the heart. And I am rejoicing and reveling in my progress at learning to be friends with people who don't know Jesus personally. For the first time in my life I feel like I am actually really being a light in this world. I'm not so surrounded and insulated by other Christians that you can't distinguish my light from theirs or that I don't have to come into personal contact with the worldly masses. I think I'm actually being a real Christian; not just so spiritually-minded that I am of no earthly good.

I do look forward to going to church more regularly again. I do miss it. But for now I will be content with learning to be a Christian in the situation God has me in. And I rejoice in being able to shine my little light in a little corner of the world and perhaps actually make a real difference in somebody's eternal life!

Puppy woes

About six weeks ago we got a new puppy: Maggie. This is something we've talked about off and on for a while because Max is 14 and for a lab that is very old. We had another dog for a while, but he didn't do well with the kids. He was very jealous and an attention hound so we gave him to some friends who were better equipped to meet his neediness. But with two little munchkins we felt it would be better to get a new dog before Max passed, so here we are.
I do not have a lot of experience with puppies. Or with animals in general. I'm pretty open to trying stuff, but in this particular instance my expectations were apparently not at all in line with reality. I couldn't quite understand why everyone was so amazed that I would take on a puppy with two little kids too. Truth be told, Samson, the other dog we had had was housebroken in less than a week. Obviously that is rather fast and I knew that. I just didn't really understand how unusual that is. Maggie is still not completely housebroken. After about three weeks with almost no sign of improvement and rescuing my children from various puddles and spending my days mopping up and disinfecting or changing little clothes and giving extra baths and what not all I had about had my fill. Particularly because we don't have a fenced yard here, so when I do let her out I have to be there the whole time so that she doesn't go too far. Very time consuming. And awkward when she's made a mess in the house and needs to be put out but you have a little boy who thinks that that puddle looks like the best spot to play in!
I had a few meltdowns. We came very close to getting rid of the puppy. I succumbed and tried again. And again. And again. And again. It was very wearing. Particularly when you could see that she was getting it and then she would just totally backslide for a few days and it would be worse than ever! She nearly didn't survive that!
However, on Monday this week she was harassing Max, as she likes to do, and he was dancing around trying to get away from her and accidentally stepped on her! One broken leg later we now have a puppy that is MUCH more attentive and suddenly seems to have grasped the housbreaking concept! There are still accidents, but comparatively speaking few and far between! Yeah!
I am so very, incredibly thankful!
It also does warm my heart when I hear that little "thonk, thonk, thonk" behind me wherever I go, occasionally accompanied by whimpering if she gets a little careless. It is hard to resist that attachment when it is obviously so important to her.
Ken has commented several times how it reminds him about the story of the shepherd having to break the leg of one of his lambs so that the lamb will pay attention to him. Well, this little girl is definitely paying much closer attention to us now! And it makes me wonder if there are any areas where God is "breaking my leg" to get my attention. Definitely something to ponder on over the next few days.

Dawn of a New Era

Or so we hope.

Ken has been encouraging me to start blogging again and I am hoping that I will be able to do so. We did just get a new office computer which is significantly lighter than our previous laptop (to say nothing of the fact that the screen doesn't fall over every time you pick it up) so hopefully that will help me to achieve this goal.

I do miss blogging. Not because I have anything so important to say or because I have so many readers. I just enjoy writing. It helps me to process my thoughts. Which I am having trouble doing tonight as my mind is shutting down.

Just wanted to say "I'm back!"

Hopefully.

Gifts

Here I am. Julianne is napping. This is not what I had planned to do with this time. But here I am. My heart is full and overflowing.
I was thinking about a friend recently. When I met her she was about 80. I was in my teens.She was always very patient with me and kind and we had many little conversations, but one thing that she said has stuck in my memory. She was married for ten years before her husband passed away and one day she said that those ten years had been the happiest of her life. At the time that was unfathomable to me. How could you pick one period as happier than the others? Of course, I had only lived a few more than ten years at the time, so my experience was somewhat limited.
I understand better now. Not fully I am sure. But better.
Yesterday I was laying in bed at about 4:30am and Julianne was snuggled in beside me. She had not slept well, so of course I hadn't either. My wonderful husband was already up and on the road in his truck working for us. And I was laying there wishing I could sleep. Baby 2 was kicking and dancing. Julianne was snuggled up in my arm and every time I tried to remove my arm so I could get comfortable she'd start to cry. And as I lay there looking at my little munchkin, those tiny hands and eyes and nose and mouth and ears, all I knew was that I was blessed. The happiness is overwhelming. I knew that I should be tired and cranky and feel like complaining, but how can I complain when I see the wonderful gifts that I have?!
I cherish these moments. I don't know what tomorrow holds. Life isn't perfect now. We aren't wealthy. Our house is a shambles of rennovations and truck parts and toys and living. I'm far away from my family. I have pain every day. My husband is gone five days a week earning a living for us.
But I laugh so much. My eyes well when I think of my blessings and I strive to honor what God has given me by cherishing these moments for I know that they are fleeting. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. Will I have my husband for two years or twenty years? For how long has God given me the stewardship of this little girl who is sitting in her high chair eating cheerios and talking about it? Not every child grows up. Not every child dies after their parents. And this new little one: we still have a little more than four months before we even get to meet them. So much can happen in that time.
I don't know the answers to these questions. I do know that I am not supposed to worry about them. I also know that part of my planning for those darker days that I know are inevitable (barring the Lord's imminent return) is that I am cherishing and storing up these moments. I don't know if this is part of my "happiest ten years" or even how long they will last. But I want to make the most of every moment! And so I cherish those moments of laying awake at night and snuggling Julianne or feeling Baby 2 do the "Hokey Pokey". I miss my husband when he is gone, but I cherish those moments when we are together and the many, many phone conversations that we have (thank God for cell phones!). And I know that I am blessed beyond even what I can recognize.

I'm sitting here staring at a blank page. I have so much on my mind to say, but, well, I am struggling to figure out how to say it well. I haven't blogged in, well, forever. Almost a year. My last blog was January 7, Ukrainian Christmas. Recently I wrote a humorous note on facebook and someone suggested that I start writing again (well, I don't think they know that I used to write). The problem is that while I enjoy writing the occasional humorous piece most of what I want to write is more serious. I feel like I have all these things stored up in my head and it seems like a waste to let them sit there. But then, is it arrogant to think that I should share them? The fear of coming across as condescending or "know it all" or that I think I am on some sort of a "spiritual pedestal" (for the truly spiritually mature, you understand--there are so few of us out there--dramatic sigh) kind of forestalls me.
You see, I have felt that way in the past (the spiritual pedestal part mostly). It kind of runs in my family and in the missionary business to a degree. Sometimes I feel like Paul who was a very well pedigreed Jew. So am I as a Christian. Raised in a Christian environment; homeschooled in a Christian program; went to a Christian college; returned and worked as a missionary editing and writing books about the Bible and Christianity for ten years. I could elaborate, but I might make myself ill. Suffice it to say that I do have a great heritage, for which I am very thankful, but unfortunately, some of those same things that have contributed to that heritage have also made other people think that I had more spiritual insight than they do--that they should look up to me and set me a little apart. Truth be told, it makes you feel special, but when you get on that pedestal well...it is hard not to begin to think that you are different and special and to respond to the respect that other people accord you. And that is very dangerous. I've seen how easily people become arrogant and judgmental "because they are a spiritual leader" and so have to judge other people and call them to account. I have been there. I don't want to be like that now--it is too precarious of a position. As my husband says, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks."
So how do I share my thoughts and "insights" without coming across that way? It has been quite an adjustment to "civilian" life. One that I am still making. Sometimes I want to shake the people in Bible study because it is so shallow! I want to show them deeper ways, but who am I to them? They don't know my history or my heritage. I have not earned the right to speak in that way and I refuse to just fall back on my "pedigree" as tempting as it is at times. Yes, I have studied the Bible a lot. I am familiar with it. And with different ways of studying it and what different people say about different issues. I've taught it. I don't want to hide all my knowledge "under a bushel" but there is so much "knowledge" out there...do I really need to add to all the words?
I'm still struggling with this. I do know that I write out of my own experiences and interests. I'm not trying to "preach", but sometimes writing helps me to express what my heart is trying to say. But writing like this is work too. It takes discipline. Shall I write again? Is anyone listening? Should anyone be listening?

You know, I really wasn't intending to write about this all at all. I had something totally different in mind when I sat down. Yet here we are.

Faith?

I was sitting here on the couch feeling a little discouraged when I looked up and my eye caught on the picture that Ken and I bought together for Christmas. It is a mountain goat in the middle of leaping from one precipice to another over a seemingly bottomless chasm. You don’t know if he’ll make it or not. The picture is entitled “Faith”. It is a good reminder just at the moment.

You see, Ken and I are trying to get our own truck on the road (he’s a log truck driver). We have been working on this pretty much since we got married. We finally found a truck in our price range and worked out a deal and brought her home and Ken has been fixing her up since then. Unfortunately, just before we were ready to launch out on our own Ken got laid off. Pros side of that is that we get unemployment. Cons side is that that is about half of what he was making and without those last couple of paychecks we didn’t really have the money to finish up the last few details we needed to on the truck. So, for the last six weeks we have been trying to find ways to do that creatively. We’ve done pretty good and were all set to start a new job this week, today actually.

And then Saturday happened. Ken went out to finish up a couple of things and double checked the lights and they wouldn’t work. Eventually he opened up the dashboard to see if it was a faulty wire. It was. A whole bunch of them. A rat’s nest really. Literally. A rat/mouse had made a home behind the dash and in addition to packing it full of paper and other nesting materials had chewed up any wires that were “inconvenient”. Not sure how the lights and other instruments managed to work as long as they did, but they don’t work now. So, Ken spent today and who knows how many more days rewiring the whole truck.

This is one of many things that have happened to slow down our progress with this truck. And it is hard to wait on God when it seems so urgent (after all, at this rate we won’t get our first paycheck until about the time the baby is due); but then you look up and your eye catches a picture about faith…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34

Thinking About the Marys

Being pregnant at Christmas gives new depth to my thoughts about Mary. I've been thinking about the scorn and rejection she endured and how she still cherished her pregnancy despite the lack of support. Thinking about how difficult it must have been to ride a donkey and walk for three days to get to Bethlehem. And yet, perhaps a relief too; getting away from all the gossip and sideways glances. In Bethlehem nobody knew that Joseph wasn't the baby's biological father. They just saw a young couple starting their family.
Every time I feel my little baby kick and squirm I think about Mary and wonder how it was for her.

Then there is the other Mary, Mary Magdalene. She came to mind the other day when I was rubbing Ken's feet. He pulled a ligament or something and his one foot has just been really hurting him for a month or so. So, every once in a while I give him a foot rub. He has very clean feet so it doesn't gross me out. But it did make me think about Mary Magdalene and wonder what it was like for her to wash Jesus' feet. Working on someone's feet is humbling in any case even if you do it out of love. But at least Ken's feet were clean and not smelly. I wonder how Jesus' feet were? I know she was cleaning them with her perfume and her hair. And like the other Mary she was scorned for her involvement with Jesus.

I wonder about these women. What was life like for them? Jesus changed both of their lives in such incredible ways. And painful ways too, I think. But they loved him. Adored him for it.
I hope I can do the same.

Steps Forward

I think I am full of happy hormones.

Truly.

I blame being pregnant. And I’m happy about that. Just like I’m happy about just about everything else. I’m happy about getting to do a couple of craft fairs and sell my baked goods at them. I’m happy to get to make Thanksgiving dinner. I’m happy to get up at 2:30am to see my hard-working husband off to work. I’m happy to get up once or twice a night to pee. I’m just happy!

I do think some of it is pregnancy related. But I think that some of it is also contentment related. Not everything is wonderful and nice (I still don’t love dusting or cleaning the toilet, but I am happier when I am done!), but I do have so much to be thankful for.

I feel blessed. Not that I wasn’t blessed a year ago or two years ago or ten years ago. And not that I wasn’t aware of that then. That’s why I’m blaming the pregnancy hormones. Of course, it could have something to do with being newly married too. I don’t know.

I am very thankful for the life I have lived. I can’t say that my twenties were the easiest period of my life, but they were certainly valuable and I wouldn’t be who I am now without them. And I wouldn’t appreciate what I have now in the same way without having had to wait for it as long as I did.

Watching your friends get married out of college and start their families while you wait for God’s timing in your own life is not easy. Particularly when a family is all you’ve ever really wanted. I didn’t grow up thinking I would be a “career woman”. Sure, I thought about becoming a nurse or doctor. But it was always this vague thing that was primarily altruistic. It was about ministry, not earning a living and supporting myself as a single woman. I don’t think I ever expected to have to support myself in that way and it was not easy for me. But I did my best to follow God’s leading and be content where He had me. And there were a lot of tears involved in that as I worked to submit to Him and trust that He truly did know what He was doing and that His plan for my life was good. Between chronic fatigue, herniated disks and a job that I was good at but eventually burned me out, it wasn’t always easy to find the silver linings.

Now, in contrast, I feel like my life is full of silver linings. Part of me feels like crossing my fingers because I don’t know how long this euphoria will last. The other part of me just smiles and says, “Trust God, He’s carried you through in the past and He’ll take care of you whatever the future holds. Just relax and enjoy what He has given you for now. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.” And so I do, I let it go and focus on what I have right now. Not what I hope for tomorrow, or wish for yesterday. Just thankful for the wonderful life God has given me. And for a wonderful God who cares about me so personally that He is willing to fulfill the dreams of a little girl in ways beyond her imagining.

And I’m happy.

Just a little while after I wrote this Ken called to say that he had been laid off. It definitely threw me for a loop, but with a little time and prayer we both realized that it is for the best at the moment. We are working on getting our own truck going, hopefully in the beginning of December. The extra time will allow Ken to do some work on the truck that really needs done. It did certainly make me think about whether my happiness was a surface thing or from deep wells within. 

I am still happy.

Blogging Again

Goodness, it's been a while since I was here (yes, I've always been good at stating the self-evident).

Life has happened. And it is GOOD. There is so much to catch you up on! My life has done a 180 in the last eight months. I'm married, pregnant, and no longer working outside the home. I will say that the pregnancy is part of the reason that I haven't blogged for so long, but really there are other reasons, like not editing anymore--I'm just not on my computer as much. And we didn't have internet at home the first few months of married life, so that affected things too.

I am well aware that my life and choices are far from conventional, but they have proven wonderful for me! Of course, at the moment I am also basking in the pregnancy glow, so everything just seems more wonderful in general, but I don't think that is the only reason. It just makes me more emotional about it.

I feel like I have waited for so many years for these things and now in one year's time I have gone from single with no expectations in this direction to married with a little one on the way. A year ago I wouldn't have believed that this could have happened. But God is always a worker of miracles and here I am.

I'm not saying life is all perfect all of a sudden because I am married and pregnant. There are still things I struggle with. I do miss being closer to family. I wouldn't mind having a little more income. Or being closer to some of my friends. Having a little more energy. Having a better house to live in (this one is in renovations, but it is just not well insulated--hot in summer, cold in winter). And today in particular I am wishing my mouth would heal more quickly after getting a molar pulled.
But then I come back to something that Ken and I talked about before we were married and frequently talk about now too: Contentment is a choice. So is happiness.
It is about where we choose to put our focus: on the positive or the negative. It is generally easier to focus on the negative (and it's more dramatic and people give us more attention generally). It just takes less effort to see the dirt on the ground than it does to lift our eyes to the beauty of the sky.
For me, on the days when it is hard to be content or happy in the moment there are two things I remember: 1. There is always at least one thing to be thankful for! (and generally a lot more than that) 2. There is always someone who has it tougher than me.
And the other way that I pull up my bootstraps is to do something nice for someone else. Make a nice dinner. Bake cookies. Chase down their dog. Write a letter. Make a phone call. Most things aren't too difficult and don't have to be dramatic, but that setting aside of myself makes all the difference! And suddenly I have done something productive and kind and my day gets a little more sunlight in it.

Right now, during this time of basking in the glow of being newly married and pregnant and all that I don't generally "feel the need" to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but even so, focusing on the positive and choosing contentment is still important. After all, if I develop the good habits while it is relatively easy to do so, won't it be easier to keep them when things get tough?

On the Grace of God

Lately I have been working on our Christian Family course. For now I am just reading through and looking at what needs to be changed and how to go about that. I have really been enjoying this particular course because I am looking at having children myself now. Ken and I do hope to have children (biologically or by adoption or maybe both J), so reading a course about parenting is naturally very interesting.

This week I have been in the lessons dealing with adolescents. Being an optimistic person it is difficult for me to accept that the teen years are really as potentially horrifyingly difficult  as this particular book describes them, but then I am not yet a parent and I do remember some of the *ahem frustrations of my own teen years.

What has been particularly interesting to me in this book is the emphasis on prayer and relating to God as a parent. Naturally, this is not new, but some of the insights presented here are quite beneficial for us in a general sense. They deal with the “Why?” questions we have for God (and whether or not it is right to ask God those questions) and with the sin in our own lives.

I felt that these were generally helpful enough for the Christian life that I would share them with you.

We could look at other examples of protest and questioning in God's presence, but one more is enough. In the horror of darkness and estrangement the crucified Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

So it is not wrong to come before God with a despairing why. It is better, much better to bring it to God than to turn it into a barrier that shuts God out. There is no better time to approach God than when we are bewildered and hurting. Should we fail to go to him, we may become feeble and twisted, bitter useless wrecks. But if we bring him our hurts and confusion, a number of things will happen. Our faith will deepen. Our minds and spirits will expand. We will have a larger capacity for living. We will become more free. Most important of all our knowledge and appreciation of God will grow.

And:

Once we have dealt with any sin in our lives, God does not want us to continue to wallow in guilt and despair. We need to accept God's forgiveness and put our past sins behind us. If feelings of guilt arise again over the same sins, we should ignore them, for this is false guilt, a tool of Satan to keep us mired in despair. If our sin is confessed, 1 John 1:9 assures us that our hearts are washed by the blood of the perfect Lamb slain for sin. Guilt which continues to arise over the same sin is not from God.

I know that these quotes are not directly related to each other. And no I don’t have the info on where they were from off-hand. In the course these quotes are in the sections dealing with discipline and rebellion. The writers encourage parents not to beat themselves up, but to take their concerns to God and share them with Him. And then having done that not to let guilt imbue their lives. We are not perfect people, if we sin, we need to repent, but then having done that take heart and believe that God has forgiven!

I know that I struggle at times with living under the cloud of past sin. It is rare now. I have learned to accept God’s good and powerful grace. And I learn more every day.

But I see so many people around me who struggle with this. And sometimes we, as Christians, make each other struggle with this. We are convinced that “that person” doesn’t really feel the weight of their sin the way they should. Or that if they were more spiritually minded they wouldn’t have chosen that path in the first place. Or perhaps, simply, we are “grateful to God” that we were “strong enough” or “godly enough” not to make that  mistake.

The Bible speaks strongly against judging and judgmentalism. Yet it is so easy for us to fall into that trap. Or in our desires and efforts not to fall into that trap we begin cross-examining ourselves and before we know it we are demanding perfection of ourselves (impossible in this fallen world) or we are afraid to make a move for fear of failure ourselves. What if instead we just accepted the grace of God as He gives it? Forgiveness of sin—all sin, not just the big ones or little ones—and all that that entails (like not living in the shadow of guilt afterwards). And extending that grace to ourselves and our fellow men. Not just one or the other. Both and.

It has taken me many years. I was raised in a godly family that strives to please God and live for His honor and glory. But in this striving, I inadvertently learned that God was never really quite happy with me. If I made a mistake, not necessarily sin, but just not doing something to the best that it could be done—for whatever reason, God was disappointed. Over time, I realized that I had one of two paths to choose. I could strive for perfection (an unattainable goal, but maybe by some great grace of God I could make it) or I could sit still and not do anything for fear of failure and “making the wrong decision” (not unlike the man with one talent?—only I never saw it that way). I didn’t particularly care for either of those options. I kept looking for another.

In time, by the grace of God, I began to realize that I had a certain legalistic judgmentalism myself. I was horrified to discover this because after all: I was just trying to live my life to the best of my ability for God’s glory and honor! But God patiently and persistently brought people into my life who showed me that I could be loved just as I am. Not by being perfect or having the appearance of not making any mistake because I never stepped out and did anything. This was a difficult adjustment. Humbling. I had to realize that I am just as human as the next Christian and not necessarily more godly. I have a wonderful heritage and a great Bible knowledge and I certainly do strive to implement it daily in my life and choices and decisions. Having been raised in a wonderful Christian home I had no experience of grace to relate to. I was “saved” at a very young age and then raised in a home that demanded my absolute best (towards perfection) with little grace for failings.

It has taken me many years to even begin to grasp what grace really is. Learning to accept God’s forgiveness for past sins and not letting the guilt of those hang over me was part one. Part two was learning that I could step out and maybe even fail without falling from the grace of God (you know, like starting a bakery business or a ministry in India). Now I am in another new phase, learning to accept the great, mysterious and wonderful gifts that God gives that I am fully aware I do not deserve.

I still struggle with that knowledge that I don’t deserve them. And the pendulum swings from one side to the other. Sometimes the struggle lies in feeling like I do deserve them! I have lived my life well and dedicated it to God’s service and His kingdom (because after all, only missionaries are truly dedicated to God’s kingdom; mere “regular” Christians just don’t measure up quite as well, right? [that’s facetious in case you were wondering]), surely I deserve some of the rewards of this life as much or more than people who have done less or lived less perfect lives! Other times the struggle lies in knowing that I truly do not deserve these good and perfect gifts. I get frustrated, angry, say things that are mean or unkind and in general have many imperfections (legalistic judgmentalism being only one). Why would God bless one such as me?

But He does. As evidenced by the bakery that He let me start. By the wonderful man that He has brought into my life who is truly better than I could have asked or imagined! I would never have guessed that such a man exists who could stretch me so much spiritually while compelling my respect for his integrity and honesty and honor. And then he loves me and wants to marry me. Even though he knows many of my imperfections and even sins. What great grace is this that  God would provide someone who is so willing to accept me just as I am right now—not for who I can be and in spite of who I have been (and sometimes because of who I have been)? It is a whole new lesson in grace.

And on we go..

Well, life moves on. Sorry for venting the other day. Sometimes it just needs to come out. I've always understood that this period of being engaged and getting married and what not all is supposed to be fun. The relationship part is. Some of the other parts not so much. I keep being told that our wedding day is supposed to be "our special day", but sometimes it feels that people and circumstances are doing their best to make it a very stressed out day. Eloping still looks good. At least the day would be good. Maybe stressful afterwards when my family found out. :D
Anyway. Moving on.
Missions Fest went really well. I didn't make a lot of contacts through the booth. I think it is an outmoded form of communication. But the workshop I talked at went really well. I think that all the troubles I had in traveling to get there and some of those hindrances were probably due to that workshop. The room held about 65 and was pretty well full up including a few people sitting on the floor. I didn't share so much about our ministry as stories from my dad's life and Vera's life. Just challenging people to think outside the box and step out in faith to do what God is challenging them to do. Not just stepping out to test Him, but following what He is calling them too.
I got a LOT of feedback. About 7-8 people came and talked to me afterward and then a few more stopped by the booth. So probably 10-15% feedback, which is pretty high, esp. for something little like that. So PTL! And please continue to pray for the people that were there as I am certain God is at work in their lives.

Supporting a Missionary

Wow, you send out one email saying that you are switching to part-time, but still fully committed to see the project through and people start dropping like flies. This month I got only half of the support that I need. Now I am desperately looking for a job to make ends me and wondering how I will complete my commitment if I have to start working full-time someplace else.
People are so faithless! It is like the last ten years of my life don't count for anything. The faithfulness. The sacrifice. The commitment. I never took a high salary, most years my gross income was less than $12,000. There were times when I didn't have enough money to buy groceries, but the Lord was faithful to make sure that I was able to eke it through the month. The Lord was always faithful. And obviously still is. I just wish people were more so.



Struggling with my attitude today. Could use a little uplifting in prayer and encouragement. I just feel deserted in my hour of need.
Sigh. Maybe I will elope after all. That would at least cut down on some of the cost for the next few months: both because I wouldn't be trying to pay for a facsimile of a wedding celebration and because Ken and I could consolidate our living expenses! Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mission's Fest

I am off to Mission's Fest Vancouver this weekend. I leave tomorrow morning, God willing. There seems to have been a lot of "resistance" to my going to this conference for some reason. Spiritual resistance. I was in Klamath Falls visiting Ken two weeks ago for a few days and got stuck there by the weather and wasn't able to make it down until yesterday. I ended up coming back to Salem by train because of concern about my driving through the icy/snowy roads. The train ride was supposed to take 5.5 hours and took about 7.5. It was four hours late to start with, so instead of getting to Salem at 4pm I didn't  make it till after 11pm.
That has only left me today to finish my preparations and pull my booth display together and iron out all the other details and pack. My flight is at 10am Thursday morning. Since I had to leave my car family is dropping me off and then I'll figure someone out to pick me up too or take the shuttle.
This Mission's Fest is a bit different for me as I am also supposed to be taking a workshop. Please pray for that too as I know what I want to say but am still nervous about it. There will be up to 75 people there. Please pray for God to use that and to help me say what He wants and to know how to communicate and get my audience's attention and challenge them. Please pray that the booth will come together as well. And that I won't completely stress out. :)
Thanks.

More About Ken

Ken and my niece, Seraya

I am sure that many of you are curious about Ken. I told you a little in my last blog about how we met and what not, but there is always more to tell. :)
I've been traveling down to see Ken a few times over the last couple of months and of course he has come up to see me a couple of times too. It is a little more difficult for him because of the hours he works (usually 4am-2/3pm. But since I can work from my computer anywhere... Besides, I'll be moving down here in a couple of months anyway, so it is nice to begin the adjustments. I'll have to include some pictures of the area next blog.
Ken is 15 years older than I am.

Ken and Max

But yes, we are still planning on having a family. We've talked a lot about that and what we want. I want a few more kids than he does (but then, most people don't want 20, so that wasn't a big shocker. Eventually, we are hoping to move to eastern Oregon, but for now we will stay in Klamath Falls.
We're in the middle of renovating the house. Well, Ken was when we met and I have been able to join the process. My contributions consist mainly of organizing and cleaning, but sometimes those are very valuable things. And cooking (and maybe a little baking ;)  ). Hopefully we'll have the house done in a couple of years. It is a pay-as-you-go project, so it'll take a while, but that's ok. We both have plenty of other work to keep us busy too!
Yes, Ken has a dog. Max is going on 11 and he is absolutely loveable and a shameless beggar! I think I'm going to enjoy having a dog in the house!

A New Journey!

This last year has been full of journeys, from the kind you take in a car or airplane to the kind you take with your heart or mind. The journey that I have been on most recently is one the incorporates a little of both of those, but is primarily a journey of the heart.

Ken and I

In October I met the man that God has for me. We met on eharmony which sets you up to get to know each other well in the emotional sense. As soon as we could we met in person and things just took off from there. I've never talked on the phone so much in my life! Thank goodness for cell phones! We got engaged in December and are planning our wedding for May. It's been a wonderful whirlwind so far!
His name is Ken. He lives in southern Oregon about five hours south of me. He works locally as a logging trucker. And he's the man God has for me. I've wanted to get married for more than twenty years (I'm 32, and no, I wasn't planning on getting married at 10 or 12, but was looking forward to it and figured I'd get married between 18 and 21 like my mom and other family members), but Ken is worth the wait. I've never met a guy before that I didn't feel that I would have to "settle" for in some way or another. Ken and I are very much in step with each other. We share the same spiritual foundation and are both active in our faith. We share dreams and goals and a sense of humor! Our household will certainly be full of laughter!
I am very much looking forward to this coming year to see how this journey that God has brought us on will continue!
And we would very much appreciate your prayers for us as we begin building our two lives into one.